


A Spectrum in Monochrome

by exocholic



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Romance, blind!au, handicapped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7946464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exocholic/pseuds/exocholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baekhyun is an artist living his life in monochrome colors.<br/>Chanyeol is a blinded man who showed him the spectrum of life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, and they do not represent the people who hold their names in real life.  
> Plot, ideas and story itself is mine. If found similar, no plagiarism intended. No plagiarism please.  
> I do not know how a blind person functions. I did do some research, but that can only do so much. So I apologize if there are any misconceptions/inaccuracies about the blind or was wrongly portrayed or far from realistic. I did try my best. And do tell me if so, I'd like to learn too.
> 
> Cross-posted at [AFF](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/972856).

  
◄  **One**  ||  _a reason for existing_

 

 

 _Existing_. That has how Baekhyun been living his life for the past years –  _simply existing_. There was no meaning, no excitement, nothing grand ever happened. There may be some occasional drama, but the reason why there probably is, is because he stopped caring and it affected the people around him. Other than that, everything had been rather..  _monochrome_.

 

There was no color, no spectrum in his meaningless life. How ironic of it too, for he was an artist who dealt with colors on a daily basis, studies it four to five times a week as a major he is taking in university. And while ‘simply existing’ had its advantages, of being detached to things that will probably cause him pain, he also has to deal with the feeling of  _void_  that has hit him now more than ever.

 

_Baekhyun is an artist living his life in monochrome colors._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

It was a peaceful cloudy day, as opposed to the muddled mind Baekhyun had. Frustrated for the last few days for he was at a loss on the subject he is expected to pitch in for his individual part of his major’s exhibit event. And the park just a few blocks his home was the perfect destination of a momentary escape, choosing to wander alone with no purpose or goal.

 

With a heavy intake of air, Baekhyun breathes in the fresh scent of nature as he walked through the park’s path and calming his cluttered mind. He watches with a fond smile the children playing about, scattered across the vast green grass of the field. He watches a group of friends having a picnic, their laughter ringing in the air alongside the children’s screams of joy and play. And he watches, with a rise of envy, all the couples he passes by that seemed to be blanketed by a pink-like aura.

 

_All these people seem to live in color, unlike his boring gray one._

 

 

 

Just in front of a large oak tree, with its leaves and branches shading it from the sunlight, Baekhyun sits down on one end of the bench.

 

All was quiet and Baekhyun enjoyed it; the peacefulness of his surroundings settling his mood in that calm state. But it was soon disrupted by a squeak-like barking of a small pooch, forcefully pulling on its leash away from its owner ready to attack the person nearby as they walk passed.

 

Apparently, to Baekhyun’s amusement, the little pooch was taunting the other dog that was twice his size that simply lay idle on the ground unfazed. Its master merely nodding and sending a smile to the owner of the barking pooch who had longed passed them. But Baekhyun noticed something off, for the man’s smile was unfocused and to a person who did not even spare him a second’s glance. It raised some confusion, more so with the pitch black glasses the man wore; quite an odd sight to see in this cloudy, dimly lit afternoon weather.

 

Brushing it off as nothing but a weird sense of style, Baekhyun went back to watching his surroundings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

 _Love_. Is it not the perfect subject to use? Depicting love in what he believes it means based on his own personal experiences; his own personal point of view of the broad overused subject. But then again…

 

When was the last time Baekhyun fell in love. When was the last time Baekhyun felt his heart flip and stomach do summersaults when he sees the mere distant figure of a person he likes. When was the last time Baekhyun felt his insides flutter from hearing the person’s voice alone. Honestly, it was perhaps the time he met his first  _crush_  back in elementary, too long ago he had already forgotten. As experienced Baekhyun is in relationships, he still has yet to feel those fireworks movies like to depict a true loves kiss.

 

_Baekhyun has yet to fall in love._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

Everything was a blur in the rain. The streets were covered with puddles and there was a sea of gloomy colored umbrellas. Taking the shortest way to his house, Baekhyun cursed as he walked hurriedly across the open park for he had forgotten to bring his umbrella.

 

 

_"Ah--!"_

 

The sound of two colliding people mixed in with the pattering rain. Not a moment later, an angry voice and loud barking bellowed across the park.

 

_"Watch where you're going!"_

 

 

Abruptly stopping and turning to where the voice came from, Baekhyun is met by a man almost lying on the ground. The fallen man’s dog had stopped barking to only lick his master’s face in some form of comfort, while the man who had bumped into him was already far gone with no bother of help. In the kindness of his heart, without second thoughts, Baekhyun ran to the man who struggled to stand and immediately helped him up with a hold to his hands.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked once the man is standing upright, taking the umbrella that fell upside down on the ground to hand it back. But after bringing it up to cover the man, he realizes he too is now soaked from both the rain and the small puddle he fell into. “Oh god, you’ve gotten so wet,” he worriedly expressed.

 

"I'm okay, thanks." The man, who is apparently a head taller than Baekhyun, said, and even giving him a smile of gratitude. "Don’t worry, my house is near. I’ll be okay.”

 

Relieved, Baekhyun was about to reply. But he is stopped as he notices the familiar pitch black glasses and the caramel colored dog of his.  _It is the man from a few days ago. Why still the dark glasses on this already dark gloomy weather?_

 

"Thank you, again. I should get going." The man said, tugging gently the leash of his dog as they started to leave. "You too, before the rains get any stronger.”

 

Snapped back from his sudden daze, Baekhyun completely forgets he is soaking wet himself, and watches puzzled the man walk the opposite direction, his black umbrella getting smaller as he walks further away. It is at a low rumble of thunder and a strike of bright light after that he runs the remaining steps to his house.

 

Once he is finally safe in the confines of his own home does he realize that the man never commented or perhaps even notice his own drenched state.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

_How do you live, when you have lost the drive to do so? No motivation, no goal, no plans for the future._

 

Baekhyun spends his every day following the same routine over and over, and over again. He wakes up not because he wants to, but because his body tells him to. He eats and drinks not because he wants to, but because he needs to. He goes to school not because he wants to, but because he has to. And he lives because he has no choice; because giving up is not an option when he still wants to find his purpose.

 

 _Such an empty life,_  he muses on a daily basis.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

At a quaint café just outside the park, Baekhyun finds himself ordering a drink. It’s been another hectic week. The demands of different projects were thrown at him along with the pressures of the nearing deadline to hand in his subject for his part of the exhibit. So a short coffee break would do him some good, just a while of escape to let him breathe.

 

Baekhyun intended to head to a table by the café’s corner, but a lone figure seated by the windows and a caramel colored dog lying beside him on the floor catches his attention. Unthinkingly, he ends up sitting just across the familiar man. He intrigued him, oddly enough to catch his attention every time, or perhaps it is just those pitch black glasses that he continues to wear at the oddest of times.

 

Bringing out a small sketchbook, Baekhyun immerses himself in drawing, absentmindedly sketching the said man. He sketches his profile, seated by a table in a serene manner of black pencil marks. A messy array of lines of the black glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, and drawing along his napping dog. When he is done, Baekhyun is left once again musing to himself.

 

 _How odd_. Drawing, to him, for the past few years have been rather..  _unsatisfying_. For every sketch he makes, it ends up scrap for he is not contented. No matter how many praises he receives, to his eyes, it is ugly and missing something. School projects and side jobs were an exemption, not attaching himself to these works were helpful. But  _this_  – this drawing of the man looking out the window while drinking his drink in silence – is the most satisfying drawing he had ever done thus far.

 

A smile lights up Baekhyun’s face. He enhances his drawing more and turning the once messy sketch to a full drawn black and white image in the next long minutes.

 

 _How odd, indeed_.

 

 

 

 

 

To encounter a blind person is a very rare case for Baekhyun. Never has he come face to face with someone who cannot see and may need the guidance of someone else. The nearest encounter to him is from afar – too far they are mere people he comes across to and not enough to pique his interest. So to learn that the man he sat with on the bench a few weeks ago, the man he helped that one time he fell onto a small puddle, the man whose pitch black glasses caught his attention, is in fact,  _blind_ , left Baekhyun surprised. But everything then made sense.

 

It is when two boys who played roughly accidentally bumped the man’s chair from behind and enough to have him spill his drink, that Baekhyun learns his incapability.

 

The mother of the boys immediately went to apologize, scolding the kids who lowered their heads and gave a meek apology. A waiter went in in an instant to clean the mess that was made, even offered the man a new drink. It seems he was a regular, if the young waiter and the café’s manager that appeared knew who he is. They helped guide him away the table with his drink spilling from its edges to save him from staining his clothes. With the manager holding his hand, he was guided to a new clean table, his dog obediently following behind.

 

The man shook his head indicating it was no problem and gave the boys a warm smile. Although unfocused to where he thinks they are, they understood. He brings his hand out in an attempt to pat the boys’ heads. And the mother of the two was fast enough to understand, lightly pushing her boys to the man who gently patted both of them as soon as he felt where they are.

 

It was a lovely scene, how a rough play, a spill of a drink, a slight cause of commotion that caught the attention of the few other people inside, ended up being a friendly encounter as opposed to the expected annoyance. Because while the waiter prepared a new drink, the two boys were now busy playing with his dog and the man having some chit-chat with the boys’ mother. And their voices and the gleeful laughter of the children added life to the once quiet café. Even if the man could not see, his head turned to where he thinks the mother is, his smiles were enough indication that  _all is well_.

 

Looking back down to his drawing, Baekhyun now thought it was missing something. So he takes out a set of other pencils from his bag and adds new details to it.

 

When the man leaves with his caramel colored dog walking by his side and along with the new acquainted mother and her two kids, Baekhyun too leaves with a little smile, feeling lighthearted after what he has learned and the finished drawing in his hands. A drawing he cannot help but warm his heart – warmth that he hasn’t felt for a very, very long time.

 

A drawing of the man’s profile, seated by a table, is drawn in one page of a sketchbook. The once messy array of lines of the black glasses perched on the bridge of his nose is now solid black; the sketchy drawing of his napping dog now in solid pencil lines. However, if before it was nothing more but a black and white picture, now it is filled with color. Adding touches of red, yellow, blue and green, Baekhyun gave it what he thought completed it to a perfect image.

 

 

 


	2. Worth

 

◄  **Two**  ||  _nothing is worth it, if you aren't happy_

 

 

The park a few blocks from Baekhyun’s home has been his safe haven the past month, especially recently when the hectic schedules he has to go through is suffocating him. It is where he takes refuge, giving him a chance of momentary retreat away from what he considers is monsters around him. And today isn’t any different.

 

A project was due that afternoon and presenting it in front of class was part of the requirement. And so he did. Going through all that nerve-wracking trouble to wait for his turn and when it is, to keep himself calm and not obviously shaking, because talking in front of an audience was never his specialty. Unfortunately for him, this class was handled by a rarely pleased professor. And Baekhyun ends up with a list full of criticisms, the wrongs, the do nots, and a throat full of humiliation. It is no one’s fault though, maybe his, but he refuses to admit. For the project he finished was both crammed and lackluster. He can do better, he could have done better, but the aesthetics of the project was the last in his mind when all he could think about was the blind man. And the only drawing that he could feel satisfied with is said blind man and his caramel colored dog.

 

Baekhyun has seen him a few times more after the café incident. Apparently, the same park is where he frequents. Probably his own safe haven too? Not so discreetly observing him from afar (not that he will ever notice him anyway), and draws him in his sketchbook. So to say, his pages that was once filled with random ‘ugly’ doodles is now being filled with the blind man and his dog. Distracting him and taking away his attention that was supposedly focused on his priorities.

 

He should probably pin the blame on the blind man and the reason why he is crying his heart out at the moment after having to stand another two hours of the class after that gruesome humiliation from breaking down.

 

 

Seated on that same bench in front of the large Oak tree, Baekhyun doesn’t even bother to muffle his cries. He never dealt with humiliation well. It always left him feeling weak and  _incredibly pathetically incapably worthless_. And with no one to run to, refusing the comfort his friends could give, he chose to cry alone.

 

Or so he thought he was alone…

 

“Hey, are you okay?”

 

A deep voice interrupts his sniffles, and Baekhyun is faced with the blind man he has been sketching the past few days now seated beside him, a small space left in between.

 

“There, there. Don’t cry. It’s a beautiful day today. A smile would make it better.” The man said with his head turned slightly towards Baekhyun.

 

“How do you know it’s a beautiful day?” Baekhyun unwantedly snaps, the day’s events making him cranky and spiteful. But he catches his words in an instant and gasps at his rudeness. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to--”

 

“No. It’s okay,” the man chuckles, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. You probably wanted to be left alone. But I couldn’t help it. Not when you’re crying.. loudly even.”

 

The man’s smile supposedly directed to him melts Baekhyun in an odd way. It was warm and gentle, matching his voice that was deep and soothing. “I’m not crying. I just have a cold.” He reasoned, rather absently for he is more focused on watching the man’s face up-close. It was a first time and he thought he was handsome.

 

“I don’t believe you.” He snorts a chuckle. “I may be blind, but I can tell the difference between a cold and a cry.”

 

Baekhyun feels the man’s calloused fingers on his left cheek, and he has to stop himself from leaning in to the gentle touch. A rare care he hasn’t been given in ages. It was tempting.

 

“I’m sorry.” The man apologizes, taking back his hand that left Baekhyun feeling a sense of coldness that wasn’t there just a minute ago. “But see, you’re crying. A cold does not make your cheeks go wet.”

 

With a loud sniffle, Baekhyun nods his head, but soon voices his answer when he remembers the man cannot see. “Yeah, you’re right,” and wipes his tears off his face.

 

Before Baekhyun was able to say anything more, or even the man to comment further, his dog sat in front of him, tilting his head to one side as he looked at Baekhyun with its big puppy eyes. Distracted and gaining his full attention, Baekhyun leans in to coo the dog he used to only admire from afar.

 

“Hello.” He pats the dogs head. Scratching her ears and even breaking into laughter when she stands to rest her paws on his knees. “How cute,” Baekhyun squeals.

 

“That’s funny. She’s never been that friendly so fast to strangers.” The man comments in an amused tone despite the frown he had on. “She likes you.”

 

Baekhyun feels heat creep up his face. He doesn’t have it in him to say that his dog probably recognizes him for being near several times the past few weeks. “What’s your name?” he asks instead to hopefully divert the attention.

 

"Me? Chanyeol.  _Park Chanyeol_ ," the man answers, "yours?"

 

"Byun Baekhyun." He replies, biting his lip at the sudden grin lighting the other man’s face, now finally with a name he can go with. But then he frowns when he hears laughter. "Why are you laughing? Is my name funny to you?" He asks with a pout evident in his voice.

 

"No." Chanyeol said shaking his head. " _Baekhyun_. You have a lovely name."

 

Chanyeol said it with that warm gentle smile Baekhyun had also been admiring from afar that he could not stop himself from blushing. An odd fluttery feeling brewing inside him, for it has been directed at him twice in just a couple of minutes. "W-Whats her.. name?"

 

"Bacon." Chanyeol said with a bigger grin. "Her name is  _Bacon_."

 

"B-Baecon?!" Baekhyun splutters, mixing up his name with the dog's. "Is that why you were laughing?!" and adds incredulously.

 

Laughter rang in the air as Chanyeol replied with mirth. "I guess? When I got her, she responded to nothing but the word ‘bacon’. But I suppose that’s my fault for giving her my share all the time. So I had to name her that. I didn’t think it would sound so similar to someone else’s name..  _like yours_." He teases. "But trust me. You have a very nice name,  _Baekhyun_." Chanyeol adds, as if sensing the massive pout said man had. Even matching it with that smile again now fully directed  _at him_ , like he can see.

 

If Baekhyun’s face could get any redder, he’s probably even redder than a tomato. Another odd feeling, because he has heard his name a gazillion times, yet none of them gave him all these weird butterflies in his stomach.

 

In a flustered state, Baekhyun is not able to reply. He merely continues to coo at Chanyeol’s dog, Bacon. Although secretly, he takes a few glances at the other man, who had now turned to look straight ahead.

 

Baekhyun silently admires him, for he is definitely much more handsome up close, despite half his face covered by those pitch black glasses. It may be the aura he is exuding – calm and graceful, seeming serene and at peace. Chanyeol may be a blind man, but Baekhyun has yet to see him dissatisfied of his disability.

 

 _How envying. Baekhyun wishes to have that peace too_.

 

 

 

 

 

They separate at dusk, when the skies have darkened to fading orange at the silhouette of trees from around the park. Their time together wasn’t that long, and not much was said between them for Chanyeol remained silent while Baekhyun distracted himself of playing with Bacon. Although as their time together went by, if Baekhyun secretly admired Chanyeol with a few glances at the beginning, by the end, it is Chanyeol – listening to Baekhyun’s laughter filling the air around them.

 

“Bye, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun said, albeit a little too sadly he hopes the other man did not catch.

 

“Next time, maybe?” Chanyeol replies with a tilt of head. Bacon back to her calm collected state as a guide dog although looking up to him with those big puppy eyes, perhaps in behalf of her master.

 

“Yeah, okay,” Baekhyun answers a little too eager. “Will you be okay on your own?” he leans in to give Bacon a last pat on the head and a little smooch because he couldn’t help it.

 

“Of course, I have Bacon with me.” Chanyeol hears Baekhyun giggle, an obvious muffle to his laughter. “My dog, that is..”

 

“I know.”

 

 

A wave would usually accompany Baekhyun’s goodbyes, whether it is enthusiastic, meek and shy, or just an obligated wave goodbye. But for Chanyeol, he will not be able to see – no matter how big he waves his arms or how little he waves a hand –  _he won’t_. And for the first time since they met, he is saddened by that fact.

 

Holding Bacon’s leash, Chanyeol had already started walking away with Bacon in front of him. But before they disappear from sight, on a whim of rush emotions, Baekhyun calls out to him for one last time; and when the blind man pause his walk, turning back to where his voice came from, Baekhyun felt his heart skip in beats for that few seconds.

 

 _“Thank you.”_  He says loudly, making sure Chanyeol would hear.

 

A reply was not given, only a mere smile and a slight nod of head and off they walk away once again. But it was enough; enough to even flutter Baekhyun’s heart for longer. Because Chanyeol made a full turn to grace him that same warm gentle smile, even gave him a little wave –  _like he knows exactly where Baekhyun is standing_.

 

 

 

Baekhyun never dealt with humiliation well, and he would usually dwell on the thought with the scenes replaying in his head like a broken record whether he likes it or not. But for the remainder of the day, it has all been pushed aside. A particular blind man and his dog overriding all negative thoughts: his gentle smiles, his smooth soothing voice, and his adorable caramel colored dog,  _Bacon_.

 

_Yeah, he should definitely pin the blame on Park Chanyeol for taking all his attention away from his priorities. And the reason why he has stopped crying and now even has a smile on his face. Perhaps also, add on that odd feeling of fluttering butterflies._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

There are two kinds of happiness that Baekhyun experiences:  _the temporary and the pretend_. Temporary happiness is when he feels genuine joy but will later on dissipate into nothing more but a blurred memory. It is usually something he never clings onto, just a mere passing event and an easily forgotten feeling. Pretend happiness is, well,  _he pretends_  – fake smiles, fake grins, fake laughter,  _fake joy_. Just so nobody would enter his personal bubble and ask him the obligatory  _‘are you okay?’_  that he doesn’t even know the definite answer to. Because he’s okay, but he’s not okay either –  _it’s complicated to even bother explaining_.

 

_Happiness is a temporary escape and a mask for Byun Baekhyun._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

The next time Baekhyun encounters the blind man, it is sooner than expected as opposed to the many days interval. Two days later, he sees Chanyeol seated on the very same bench looking nowhere but upfront, emitting that same serene aura that Baekhyun had always admired. But if before Baekhyun would shy away and simply observe, this time, he doesn’t hesitate.

 

“Hi, Chanyeol,” he greets with an unintentional joy in his voice as he sat down beside the blind man, leaving just a small space between them – no more the end to end.

 

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol responds with an instant grin as he recognizes the familiar voice. “Is that you?”

 

“Yeah, it’s me.” Even Bacon seems joyed over seeing Baekhyun once again, for she stands from her spot beside Chanyeol to move and lay just by his feet. And Baekhyun is just delighted that his laughter rings in the air as he leans in to equally greet her. “Hello to you too, Bacon.”

 

If Chanyeol were able to see, his eyes would reflect his feelings of joy, but since he can’t, his smile is enough.  _Baekhyun is not the only one who is hit by odd fluttering_.

 

 

A cloudy sunlit weather has always been Baekhyun’s favorite, especially on a late afternoon sunset when the clouds are the color of orange amidst the blue sky. It was peaceful in this part of the park, with majority of the people choosing the vast green grass and the playgrounds at the other end. It became Baekhyun’s favorite, all the more now that it seems it is Chanyeol’s too.

 

“Are you okay now?” Chanyeol asks after hearing Baekhyun breathe heavily, chuckling when he hears coughs – apparently, he breathed in  _too_  heavily.

 

“It’s been two days.” Baekhyun answers with cheeks tainting pink. “What makes you think otherwise?”

 

“When you’re sad, it’s not always a matter of time.”

 

Chanyeol said it with a smile, but his voice sounded rather melancholy if Baekhyun were to describe.  _Maybe he’s just thinking things_. Or maybe it’s just the light wind that breezed past at that moment.

 

 _I’ve been okay because of you_. He wanted to say, but opts with something else. “I’m okay now, though. Really.” And he really is. If the light feeling he felt for the last two days was any indication. There’s still a few times when he would feel down, a drain of energy by events he would very much like to forget. It won’t be going away anytime soon, like always. But with Chanyeol and Bacon on his mind, it had been easier for him to deal with it.

 

“I’m glad, then. It’s a beautiful day, a smile is always better.”

 

Chanyeol turns to Baekhyun, as if his eyes behind those black glasses are looking at him. Baekhyun flusters at the thought, even though he knows the man is blind. It’s so odd; so odd how he’s acting this way in front of someone he barely knows. But Chanyeol has a kind smile – warm and gentle. And it’s a kind of warmth that if Baekhyun were to muse over, has never felt before in his life,  _ever_.

 

 

It turns silent after, aside from the sounds of the trees with its leaves rustling through the breeze and the distant noise of people and their pets from around the park. Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say, his mind reeling with possible questions or topics to start a conversation. So he just sits still and to be quite honest, feeling self-conscious even if he shouldn’t be. Bacon is unfortunately taking a nap for her to distract him. And Chanyeol, well, he’s still shy towards the blind man.

 

It is after a long while later when a number of people have walked by them that Chanyeol breaks the silence.

 

“If you’re curious about anything, feel free to ask.”

 

Taken aback, Baekhyun ends up spluttering his words and curses himself silently for it.  _Did he somehow read his mind?_  “W-What makes you think.. I have questions?”

 

“You’re being unusually quiet.”

 

 _Unusually?_  “Is that bad? Should I be talkative then?”

 

“No.” Chanyeol laughs. “It’s just.. usually, the people I encounter would be curious why I wear such dark shades in such time. It is late in the afternoon, right?”

 

“Oh, but isn’t that rude?” Baekhyun feels guilty.  _I thought of that too_.

 

“Depends on how you ask your questions.” Chanyeol turns his head towards him, at least where he thinks he is. “So, curious about anything?”

 

“I thought you weren’t blind at first.” Baekhyun blurts out, and gasps when he realizes what he just said. “I-I mean… I don’t mean…” his heart races then.  _Was that rude?_  But it settles a moment later when Chanyeol laughs louder, whether from his stuttering or his comment, he doesn’t know.

 

“Don’t worry. I get that a lot.”

 

“Really?” he sighs relieved.

 

“My glasses should be a giveaway. But I’m just wearing ordinary dark shades so.. not really, I guess.” Chanyeol says in jest. “Bacon too, then again, I only look like I’m walking my dog, since I never made her wear those obvious signs she’s a guide dog. And I really am!” He chuckles.

 

Baekhyun too laughs along, stifling his giggles with a hand that he is unaware is widening Chanyeol’s grin by the second. A pleasant sound to the blind man for it is better than the cries that caught his attention the first time.

 

“How do you know it’s late in the afternoon?” Baekhyun asks taking out the sketchbook he has been carrying around the past days – with all his drawings of the blind man.

 

“I just know.” Chanyeol gives a simple answer, although the smile in his voice hinted something else.

 

They return to silence then. Baekhyun doesn’t push on further the other’s answer, and instead opts to draw a new sketch of him. Chanyeol doesn’t bother saying anything either, and both bask in the serenity they are surrounded in. Not that any of them minded. For Baekhyun is distracted and busy with his new sketch to feel self-conscious like he was a moment ago. And for Chanyeol, this is the first time he is accompanied by someone in his alone time at the park, no one usually bothers.

 

 

Street lamps begin to flicker one by one as twilight approaches. The skies darker yet still had a hint of orange gradient just below and the trees across beginning to turn from a detailed image to a mere silhouette. The warm afternoon breeze begins to chill as night approaches. Another once blank page now holds a sketchy image of a blind man smiling with that same messy array of lines for his black glasses perched on the bridge of his nose.

 

Looking at the twilight view before him, Baekhyun could not help but lament his mere existence in this world. How worthless his life is as opposed to how meaningful it seems to be for the person beside him, and a blind man for that matter. How Chanyeol is able to be at peace when he can’t see anything.

 

“Were you born blind?” he asks rather unmindful, breaking the silence that enveloped them for a while.

 

“No. I was born with eyesight.” Chanyeol answers. “I lost it a few years ago due to some medical complications.” And with a hint of sadness in his voice, continues. “Sad, isn’t it? How I was able to see one moment in time, and later on,  _no more_.”

 

Looking over to the other, Baekhyun sees a smile. Even if his smile is more sadness than joy, he never saw him frown. His calm serene aura never turned restless or troubled. Not even when he helped him that one time under the rain after he was pushed over.

 

If Baekhyun were to lose his eyesight, he would probably rather disappear then. He can’t imagine living life in literal darkness. He’s already living life in monochrome, what more if made literally.  _He can’t imagine life without colors_.

 

“How do you live?” he can’t help but ask.

 

“What do you mean? As a blind person?”

 

“I guess? How do you..  _live_?”

 

 

The question is nothing new. It is something he receives often especially when meeting new people.  _How does a blind person live?_  But this time, it flutters Chanyeol's heart in an odd way. Because somehow, he can tell Baekhyun’s question carried something more,  _deep_  – if his solemn voice was any indication. This is not something often asked, never even. And Chanyeol is more than delighted to answer.

 

“The park is quiet in the morning. The birds chirp here and there.” Chanyeol starts. “It’s still relatively quiet by early afternoon. It gets fairly noisy by mid-afternoon, and it’s the noisiest by late. It is in the late afternoon when most would walk their dogs and the children would go out and play. It is when work ends for majority and school is dismissed. That is how I can tell the time of day.

 

"Did you know? The smell of morning dew is sweet. The air gets pretty musky and mixed by afternoon, with the smell of sweat and dog poop,” he chuckles. “The night, though, is rather plain but sometimes delicious, with dinner being cooked and served in the households.

 

"The morning breeze is comforting. It’s not cold but it’s not hot. When the sun is high up in the sky, your skin burns and the air is pretty crisp. No one questions my shades then.” Chanyeol says in jest, tapping his glasses with his forefinger. “And when night comes, the air is chilly; cold and chilly.”

 

 _“That is how I live.”_  Chanyeol turns his head to Baekhyun’s direction. “ _I listen, I breathe_.”

 

 

Struck in awe, Baekhyun is left speechless. It is only when Chanyeol holds his hand out and waited for his is he snapped from his daze. Shyly, Baekhyun places his left hand over the other’s right, and blushes when he feels the pads of Chanyeol’s fingers caressing them, feeling his hand.

 

“And,  _I feel_.” Chanyeol says last and matching with that warm gentle smile that had Baekhyun’s heart melting.

 

“I may have lost my eyesight, but that doesn’t mean I’ve lost my life. There are other ways to live. In that, I learned to move on.”

 

A squeeze to his hand Baekhyun feels. And while the air around them is cold and chilly, he is oddly enveloped in warmth. He squeezes his hand back before they both let go. The earnestness in Chanyeol's voice, the wise-ness of his words, affecting him in ways he is not aware.

 

 

 

 

 

A little late than the usual time they leave, they separate; the cold air now more rushing than the calm breeze just a while ago. But both pay no heed to the chilly gust of wind of the night for both are still blanketed by the warmth each other’s presence gave. Neither wants to say goodbye.

 

“Next time?” Chanyeol says first.

 

“Mmm, next time.” Baekhyun replies as he pats Bacon goodbye.

 

When Chanyeol starts walking, Baekhyun only waits for a moment before he too moves his way the opposite direction. A permanent smile gracing his face that if only Chanyeol could see – for it is  _genuine and sincere_. The tint of pink on his cheeks never went away too, the feel of Chanyeol’s warm hand and the pads of his fingertips still lingering on his. Although, he is unaware that not a moment later, Chanyeol pause his walk and turns back to his direction, listening to the distinct sounds of his footsteps becoming fainter and fainter until it disappears before he continues his walk home.

 

 

 

 

 

 _Happiness – a little touch of colors to a monochrome life_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

 _One, two, three and four.. five, six, seven and more_. Baekhyun has too many friends to count. Fitting it in two hands is not enough. At school, there is never a time when he doesn’t wave his hands to say  _hi, hello,_  and  _goodbye_. There is never an instance where he doesn’t have anyone to accompany him anywhere. Even if he would rather be alone, someone he knows is inevitable to appear. That is Byun Baekhyun, the friendly arts major student who has a big circle of friends.

It’s nice, to have so many friends to talk to and to laugh with. However, exactly how many of those can Baekhyun consider as.. real? How many of those  _many friends_  can Baekhyun count on to lean on when he needs someone. How many of them are willing to take a call at three in the morning just to listen to him cry. Or is willing enough to drop whatever they are doing no matter how important, just to console him, even if the reason is petty and ridiculous.  _Exactly how many?_  If one were to ask Baekhyun –  _none_. Maybe one? Two, perhaps? Maybe at most three? But no one has really seen him through his mask –  _his happy façade_. Everyone believes Baekhyun is the happiest being on earth because his laughter is always the loudest and his smiles are always the brightest.

 

 _Baekhyun has many friends, but someone has yet to see through every layer of façade he has created_.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

If their meeting before was always by coincidence, in the next coming days it no longer is.  Baekhyun no longer shies away from talking to the blind man. No more the times when he simply observes, or rather admires, and be fascinated from afar and leaves with just the mere drawn images of Park Chanyeol and his dog. Now every single day after school, Baekhyun makes sure to pass by the park. Rain or shine, he is there.

 

The bench in front of the large oak tree, isolated from the main area of the park, becomes Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s spot. To park regulars, an unwritten rule is made that by late afternoon of everyday, the bench is owned by the blind man and his new friend.

 

 

“Hi, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun would always greet, bright and cheery, with a skip in his steps if he arrives later or a little bounce in his seat if he arrives before. “Hello, Bacon.” He always adds after, kneeling down to give her a little nuzzle on the nose as a greeting and is always greeted back with a lick on his face that he gleefully laughs on.

If Baekhyun happens to arrive before the other, he simply waits by the bench. Sight never leaving the path Chanyeol takes. And when he spots him, his distant figure from afar turning that corner towards the park and walking to their spot alongside Bacon, he can’t help but fondly watch the whole time – eyes never leaving the blind man. But he prefers to arrive after, when he is able to see Chanyeol seated by the bench like he is  _waiting_  and  _for him_  (doesn’t hurt to dream). And he can’t help himself but skip and run towards the man, too eager to let any time be wasted.

 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol would only say as his greeting, always using a calm and collected voice even though his heart is flipping itself inside. And to Baekhyun’s joy, is also always matched with that warm gentle smile.

If Chanyeol happens to arrive after the other, he wouldn’t know until Baekhyun calls out his name with that bright cheery greeting. He likes it, when he hears his name from afar be called like there is no one else in the park but him. But he prefers to arrive before and to wait, because hearing Baekhyun’s footsteps get nearer and then his name be called out, skips his heart in joy. A few days are enough to recognize his scuttling footsteps, etching it into memory.

 

 

The usual fifteen minutes of talking to each other turns to thirty. Thirty minutes of talking about anything and everything turns to forty-five. And by their sixth meeting, forty-five minutes eventually turns to Chanyeol and Baekhyun leaving the park a little too late into the evening.

 

They talk about a lot of things. Surprisingly, for Baekhyun, Chanyeol is apparently a man of many words. An unexpected talkativeness to the usual serene silence he had the first few times they met. And despite being blind and losing his eyesight a few years ago, he had many stories to tell – all of it further fascinating Baekhyun and adding on to the long list of  _‘reasons why I admire the blind man Park Chanyeol’_.

Of course, for every passing day and every conversation they have, Baekhyun learns more about him too. He learns that even though his parents were persistent on having their blind son live with them, he still chose to be independent. Live independently away from his parents, that is. Because even if he reasoned to them that just because he is blind doesn’t make him any less incapable, they were still worried for him and had him live with a good friend of his who has been watching out for him since he turned blind.

 

On the other hand, Chanyeol is not surprised by Baekhyun’s lively personality. If the joyful voice that greets him every time is any sign, then yes, Baekhyun is one happy person. And he is glad. It is rare to meet someone who disregards his loss of eyesight and treats him like any other. No meek, extremely sensitive behavior that is always careful of their words to hopefully not offend him. No hesitance in using the words ‘see’ or  ‘look’ just because he has no eyesight.

Even if Baekhyun asks about his blindness – how does he handle this and that, how does he know this and that – he is more than glad to give answers. For Chanyeol feels delighted even, by the way Baekhyun seems fascinated. Because he can tell that Baekhyun’s questions are not entirely due to mere curiosity of a blind person’s life, but because he is genuinely interested in  _Park Chanyeol_  himself  _as a_   _person_ , not only as a blind man.

 

 

They don’t talk all the time, though, silence envelops them every once in a while. But neither is bothered.

 

At their second meeting, Chanyeol learns that during these times, Baekhyun is busy drawing. And he doesn’t mind at all listening to the sounds of Baekhyun’s pencil scraping the paper of his sketchbook. Following the sounds his pencil makes of what he likes to believe are lines and curves and creating images he would like to imagine to.

 

For Baekhyun, to be truthful, is actually not aware of the silence that encases them both. For most of the time, when he starts drawing, he eventually gets too engrossed in the image he is creating; absently humming his favorite tune the whole time. The only time he realizes is when he is finished, and he would usually cause a whining fit as to why Chanyeol doesn’t tell him to stop, and a short lecture that the man should warn him if he gets too distracted with his sketch.

 

But both always ends up erupting in peals of laughter when Chanyeol says something funny or just plainly praises Baekhyun’s passion.

 

 

 

“What do you see?” Baekhyun once asked. “Do you see darkness?”

 

It was one of those late afternoons where they started going home later than usual. The sun having set minutes ago and is replaced by the bright evening sky; where it isn’t too dark, but there is no longer sunlight either. The skies clear of any clouds but stars have yet to begin twinkling.

It prompted Baekhyun’s usual silent musings, audibly asking in a rather absentminded manner.

 

“Nothing.” Chanyeol answers, with his lips slowly pulling into a smile at the thoughtful sound of Baekhyun’s voice.

 

“Nothing?”

 

“My eyes can still perceive light, if that’s what you’re wondering. Some off-whitish or something grayish when there is.”

 

“Really?” Baekhyun says with that hint of utter fascination in his voice that widens Chanyeol’s smile to a full blown grin.

 

“Sometimes I can see colors, like red, blue and yellow. Since I wasn’t born blind and I knew how my surroundings looked, I’m still able to perceive images and know what they’re like.” Chanyeol turns to Baekhyun then.

 

Baekhyun doesn’t miss the grin he had on, his rows of teeth showing like he is joyed over that small simple fact that he can still see  _something_. “Wow, I didn’t know.” He says, looking back to the vast sky up above. “That’s amazing.”

 

Baekhyun had that familiar smile in his voice that never failed to flutter Chanyeol’s heart. Never had the other sounded intruding in his questions, it was always contemplative if Chanyeol were to say.

 

 

 

 _There is light at the end of the tunnel_. Baekhyun muses later on in silence. He looks at the stars that begin to twinkle, only a handful in number, but they are there –  _faintly twinkling amidst the great night sky_.

 _Beautiful_ , he thought of the image above.  _Moving_ , he thought of the newfound knowledge.  _Admirable_ , he thought of the person beside him.

 

Baekhyun goes back to his drawing, the image of Chanyeol looking upwards to the same sky – the scene that prompted his question in the first place. Although dimly lit by only the park’s lamp in front of them, it doesn’t stop him from adding more details to his already supposed finished picture. Humming his favorite tune, he draws with a smile never fading.

 

 

 

 

 

_As the days go by, a friendship like no other begins to form._

 

 

 

 


	3. Warmth

  
◄  **Three** ||  _hold onto whatever keeps you warm inside_

 

 

 _A home is where the heart is_. The air filled with warmth and a loving atmosphere. But Baekhyun doesn’t really know what that is like. He has yet to find his  _home_. While his parents had always been present, coming back from work as early as dinnertimes, he still grew up empty.

 

Perhaps it is because he never felt that ‘family’. There were no embraces goodbyes when he leaves or cheery greetings when he comes home. There were no talks, no long bonding moments, no lengthy conversations. There was never a ‘how was your day’ or a ‘how are you’, and rather more of awkward presences. Maybe it is because of the first few times Baekhyun misses dinner, slapping him with the reality that his home was never one to begin with. The times he rushed home thinking that a meal with his parents awaits him, but instead, he comes home to an empty house and the share of his meal now left cold.

 

 

 _Baekhyun’s ‘home’ reflects his monochrome life – empty, plain, and lifeless_.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

On the fourteenth day from when they began their late afternoon meetups, Baekhyun braves himself to ask something that has been bothering him since they started going home past sunset.

 

“Are you really okay on your own, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun looks at his watch and then at the night surrounding them. “It’s dark already.”

 

“I’ll be fine. I’m still blind either way.” Chanyeol chuckles, although softens not a beat later when he receives nothing but silence. “C’mon now, don’t worry. I have Bacon with me, after all.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Chanyeol hears Baekhyun sigh, a flurry feeling of butterflies weigh his chest at the worry,  _and a pout_ , evident in his voice.  _How cute_. But before he is able to say his usual goodbyes, he hears Baekhyun speak, now in a timid shy voice.

 

“Can I walk you home?” Baekhyun asks, absently fidgeting his fingers and not looking towards Chanyeol as if he can see him. “I-I mean.. you know, ‘cause I don’t feel like going home yet.”

 

Not able to stop himself, Chanyeol laughs a little too loudly. It was only normal for people to worry over him, it isn’t new. He’s still a blind man walking the streets alone. But Baekhyun’s worry oddly bubbles happiness in him than the usual irritable feeling when people demean his capability just because he cannot see.

 

“Are you sure? Isn’t your place the other way?” he says, even though deep down an immediate yes is on the tip of his tongue. “Won’t your parents be looking for you?”

 

With no sign of rejection, Baekhyun snaps from uncertain shy to hopeful joy. “It’s okay, they never bother anyway. So, where to?” and turns to the direction Chanyeol always takes, heart beginning to race at the thought that he will be walking with the blind man – a longer stretch of their time together.

 

“You don’t mind walking back again? I’m not the only one who’s going to be walking in the dark.”

 

“I don’t want to go home yet, Chanyeol.  _I want to walk with you_.”

 

There was finality in his voice, an abrupt disappearance of the joy he had not a minute ago. But it goes away just as fast as it appeared. And Chanyeol just chuckles at the sound of Baekhyun’s footsteps moving to the direction of the path he had memorized by heart.

 

“If you say so, then.” He tugs at Bacon’s leash to signal their move and catches up to lead the way.

 

 

 

It is not a very long walk, just a short ten minutes from the park to Chanyeol’s home. To the blind man’s amusement, majority of their conversation then consists of Baekhyun voicing out his delight of walking through new streets – paths he never once walked on for he had no reason to.

 

The whole time, Baekhyun’s hand brushes Chanyeol’s own as they walk. The short glide of their skins sending sparks of electricity through his body. But he never makes a move to hold him; however, he doesn’t bother to move away either – staying not too close but not too far – just enough for their hands to continue brushing every once in a while.

 

 

They arrive at a brightly lit street. Strong lights coming from the few street lamps they pass by. Baekhyun could not help but admire, because it was a big difference to his own street where it is dimly lit with a few lamps broken, one even flickering.  _How ironic,_ he thought. Baekhyun, who can see perfectly well, lives in a street encased in darkness. While Chanyeol, who is blind, lives in a street filled with lights.  _How envying – like it reflects the lives they live_.

 

Bacon’s loud bark resounds in the quiet air, tugging on her leash when Chanyeol kept walking.

 

“Oh, I guess we’re here,” he says sheepishly while rubbing his nape.

 

Chanyeol’s embarrassed face, a faint tint of blush on his cheeks – a bright grin makes its way on Baekhyun’s lips. It was a rare sight, probably a first. First time seeing Chanyeol lose his composure and be all,  _cute_. And he had to bite his lips then, or he’d be muffling giggles by now.

 

A simple medium sized bungalow house painted in an off-whitish color is where Chanyeol apparently lives. Barricaded by a cute white picket fence, with a stony orange path towards the front porch, five steps to the front door, and lined with colorful flowers at each side. Its windows illuminated by a homey yellow light from inside, a sign that his friend who he lives with is most surely at home and probably waiting.

 

“This is it then?” Chanyeol says first, breaking Baekhyun’s daze.

 

“Yeah, tomorrow..?” he says unsurely, still not willing to part ways.

 

With that ever familiar warm gentle smile that always flutters Baekhyun’s heart, Chanyeol replies to him, “tomorrow.”

 

“Okay.” Baekhyun says with that familiar cheery voice that bubbles joy in the blind man.

 

“Be careful.” Chanyeol tells him before giving the gate a little push.

 

Baekhyun replies “I will” with a muffle of giggles because the gate is apparently too small for Chanyeol’s size. And he waits for the blind man after until he disappears inside before he finally leaves.

 

On the other hand, now inside, Chanyeol slumps on the front door and sighs. He doesn’t tell Baekhyun that this is the first time he had missed his house since the last a very long time ago; miscalculating the number of his steps because he’s far too distracted by Baekhyun’s cheery voice to keep count. But he laughs silently to himself – if missing a few steps from home means a longer time with Byun Baekhyun, then he doesn’t mind losing count every time.

 

 

 

 

 

Walking on his own dimly lit street, Baekhyun loses his smile. Tonight, he misses Chanyeol for the first time.  _Maybe he should have just gone straight home. Maybe he should have never walked Chanyeol to his_. Now he feels lonelier than ever.

 

Baekhyun finally arrives at his own home: a pretty two story house with no gates surrounding it. The path to the front door almost invisible and decorating the plain front lawn are plain trees. Envy and loneliness coils inside him, for he is greeted with nothing but dark windows and just a lighted front porch.

 

 _No one is waiting for him_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

 _Relationship_. It is only three months ago since a two a year relationship was ended. But it has been months since he has fallen out of it. It wasn’t a bad relationship, but nor was it a meaningful one. Just like every other relationship he has, whether friendship or more.

 

Baekhyun liked the guy, hence why he agreed to start dating. He was kind and treated him well. Always went out of his way to give Baekhyun his time of day. But one year down the road, and, well.. still no sparks. Even if the guy was sought after by many and Baekhyun is supposed to feel like ‘he’s the luckiest guy on earth’ because said popular guy chose him –  _nah_. Because in those supposedly colorful two years of romance, Baekhyun never once felt rainbows emitting their relationship. Because in those supposedly meaningful two years, despite the attention he received, Baekhyun never once felt  _‘special’_.

 

That was the most drama he experienced in his ‘state of existing’, how the breakup caused the people around to side eye and question his choices in life.

 

 

_Baekhyun’s life of simply existing has affected his hold on relationships._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

Things begin to fall into place after the first time Baekhyun walked Chanyeol home and was since then a new routine added to their daily late afternoon meetups. Both are aware that as the days go by, after having long colorful conversations of anything under the sun – their feelings for each other grew every single day, little by little. They knew that when their hearts flutter for every laugh Chanyeol hears and every smile Baekhyun receives – their feelings have grown past the simple happiness they found in each other’s presence. However, it was received differently for both.

 

 _A first time_  it is for Baekhyun. ‘ _Is this how it feels like to fall in love? – truly in love?’_  is a question he has begun to ask himself recently. Because for every day that goes by, Baekhyun wants to spend more time with Chanyeol. He wants to know more about the man even after their hour long conversations, like the trivial matters in the blind man’s life. He wants to receive that familiar smile every minute if possible. And he knew that for every walk they have to Chanyeol’s home, Baekhyun wanted nothing more but to hold his hand and interlace their fingers. To feel those fireworks that everyone likes to talk about and not just a mere spark of the brushes of their skins.

 

On the other hand, Chanyeol continues to deny his feelings, brushing them off as nothing but simple joy of the other’s presence. That it is nothing more but growing feelings of a great friendship. That no matter how much his heart skips in beats and feels heavy of the weight of warmth whenever he is with Baekhyun. That no matter how tempting it was to hold his hand in his. All was nothing but mere _fondness_. Byun Baekhyun may probably be the best thing that ever happened to him, but their relationship will not,  _should not_ , go more than friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

There was not a single blue sky in view. Dark clouds loomed above and a tell-tale sign that rain will befall soon. The usual lovely afternoon is now surrounded by a gloomy atmosphere.

 

Walking hurriedly from school, Baekhyun looked at the sky with a frown, pulling tight his sweater around him from the slowly increasing winds.  _He should really bring an umbrella no matter how sunny it is in the morning_ _,_ he thought. But his heart also sank. Rain only means that his and Chanyeol’s usual meetups would have to end earlier than usual. He doesn’t want that. An hour together at least is not even enough for him. What more if it’s cut short. He sighs, and runs the rest of the way to the park.

 

There weren’t many people as opposed to the usual lively atmosphere. It seems everyone chose to stay indoors. Quite obviously so with the kind of chilly winds Baekhyun feels hit his body. He feels his heart drop then – Chanyeol might be one of those who chose to stay indoors. And while it is better for the blind man to not leave the safety of his home in this weather, Baekhyun still felt selfish for wishing he would find him in their usual spot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _And find him he did_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seated on the bench in front of the large oak tree with its branches swaying violently, there was Chanyeol with Bacon on seeming full alert beside him.

 

If Baekhyun’s heart was already thumping quickly with the thought that he might not see him, it increases even more when he does. And he had to stop for a moment, to admire the contrasting warmth and peace the blind man radiated. He forgets all about the weather then, and approaches Chanyeol with a bright grin as he continued his hurried steps.

 

 

“Chanyeol!” Baekhyun calls from afar, joy beaming from his voice alone.

 

His loud laughter that filled the air, mixing in to the contrasting sounds of violent winds, pulled an equal gleaming smile on Chanyeol’s lips. He listened, as Baekhyun greeted Bacon with obvious elation and then his voice directing towards him less than a minute later.

 

“Hi, Chanyeol! I’m sorry I’m late, got caught up in school.”

 

“It’s okay.” He replied smiling towards where he thinks Baekhyun is. “I thought you’d never come. The winds don’t sound very nice.”

 

“Mmm, I can never miss our meetups.” Baekhyun hummed absently while still petting Bacon. _“My day would be incomplete if I don’t see you.”_ He mutters lowly.

 

 

Just like always, they engage themselves in a heartfelt conversation full of laughter, smiles, and some contemplative thoughts. Despite the obvious signs of rain and a storm brewing, neither voices out the need to leave.

 

Chanyeol never tells Baekhyun that he was actually stopped from leaving the house. His friend reluctant on seeing him out the door for his daily afternoon walk, convincing him to the best of his abilities for half an hour that Chanyeol stay indoors. Worried leaving his blind friend outside when rain can pour anytime and who knows how strong it would be. But Chanyeol was stubborn, and refuses to give in to the priorities of his safety.

He does not tell Baekhyun that he waited for almost an hour for his voice to boom around the park and reach his ears. Does not tell Baekhyun that hearing his voice cry his name is enough to wipe the impatience he felt.

And Baekhyun is unaware that his low muttering was heard. That it had Chanyeol’s heart skipping beats for he too had the same reason for coming to the park despite the obvious reasons not too.  _A day of not hearing Baekhyun makes the day incomplete_.

 

 

 

 

 

“Science fiction? Historical?” Baekhyun says, tapping his pencil on his chin. “How about.. a modern depiction of the 80’s, no?

 

Maybe the solar system or something related to it,” he continued. “Ngh.. going green then. Hhmmrrggh--” and ended with a groan.

 

They were talking about a good concept for Baekhyun’s upcoming exhibit. Or at least.. Baekhyun was groaning the whole time about it, much to Chanyeol’s amusement as he listened – the sounds of his pencil tapping, the scraping of paper and his eraser rubbing, as well as the cute whine in his voice.

 

“How about something you love?” Chanyeol pitched in. “Or maybe something fun like fantasy mixed in with reality.”

 

“Something.. I love?” Baekhyun paused his writing and looked at Chanyeol.

 

“Yeah. Would it not be better to showcase something you’ll be passionate about?” He turns his head towards Baekhyun. “Or am I misunderstanding how exhibits work?” and sends him a sheepish smile.

 

“Something..  _I love_..” said in a dazed manner, Baekhyun’s heart was beating rapidly yet again as he looked towards the blind man, mesmerized at the smile gracing his features.

 

Before anything further was said, drizzling rain started to pour.

 

 

 

 

Like Baekhyun had predicted, their meetup ends far earlier than usual; only able to spend an unfortunate thirty minutes together. But if Chanyeol was stubborn of leaving the house that afternoon, Baekhyun was even more stubborn to still walk him home.

 

“You don’t have to walk me home today, Baek.” Chanyeol said and had to smile at Baekhyun’s adamant voice. “You should go home. The rain may get stronger.”

 

“No.” Baekhyun shakes his head first and almost forgets that the other cannot see. “It’s just light rain. And I don’t want to go home yet, so it’s okay.

 

I like walking in the rain.” He adds, a pitch higher in his voice to convince the other.  _“Please?”_

 

“Fine.” Laughter rang in the air as Chanyeol finally agreed, even more so when Baekhyun starts clapping in delight.

 

Despite the start of rain and the fact that he had no umbrella with him, Baekhyun doesn’t tell him that. Chanyeol need not to know that he intends on running back all the way to his house. He doesn’t need to know that he’s willing to get sick just to not go home, just to spend more time with the blind man.

 

 

 

Walking under the rain wasn’t exactly something new to Baekhyun. For he always tends to forget umbrellas exists and ends up majority of the time coming home in a drenched state. But if before it was nothing more but frustrating, this time, it isn’t.

 

They talk more as they walked; their laughter mixing in with the pitter patter of the drizzling rain. And even if Baekhyun receives weird stares from passersby for walking under the rain while his companion isn’t – all is ignored. Bacon is getting wet too, so he doesn’t see anything wrong.

 

Unfortunately, halfway through, the rain starts getting stronger.

 

It isn’t only rain that Baekhyun had to deal with; the chilly winds were there too. And it began to show in his voice. Although he tried his best to hide it, Chanyeol’s hearing was sharp.

 

“I think we need to hurry.” He said, catching Baekhyun off guard as he placed the hand that isn’t holding his umbrella on his arm. “The rain is getting stronger.”

 

Baekhyun froze then. For after the blind man held his arm, it lowered down to his hand. He felt his heart flip in his chest as he felt it be enveloped by the warmth of Chanyeol’s own. He was freaking out inside, a feeling of bajillion butterflies fluttering in him and a burst of electricity running through his skin, that he fails to notice that he was pulled in closer towards the other, his umbrella shielding him from the rain.

 

“Ye-yeah…” Baekhyun spluttered, a tremble in his voice and a shiver in his hand.

 

 

 

By the time they reached Chanyeol’s house, Baekhyun was pulled in through the gate and inside. He wasn’t even given the chance to protest when lightning flashed before them. Loud thunder resounding all throughout after that caused Baekhyun an involuntary squeak.

 

“Chanyeol! Thank god, I was worried,” a man, around Baekhyun’s height, greeted them after opening the front door. “Oh..  _oh, oh_  come inside.” He panicky said after seeing Baekhyun’s drenched state.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

To feel jealousy and envy was no new emotions for Baekhyun. He felt it all the time. It cannot be helped. He's a human too who has wishes and wants what he does not have. It would always coil him when he sees people get what he wishes he would or feel threatened of losing something, someone, to somebody else. And right now wasn't any different. Although compared to all the other times, right now is by far the most painful.

 

 

It was all too fast. It happened far too fast that the situation at hand had still yet to sink in.

 

For one, being inside Chanyeol’s home gave him some ridiculous giddy feelings. For the reason that he is inside the man's home that he had always envied for the warm homey atmosphere it radiated from outside alone. That instead of standing outside and admiring the yellow light illuminating the windows, he is now inside and under the warm lights themselves. But most importantly, it is because he is inside the home of the person he has developed some strong feelings for. Feelings that have started to weigh his chest in a way it never has before.

And then there’s the fresh memory of Chanyeol’s warm hand encasing his that still lingered. The tingling feeling it left racing his heart at every replay. It wasn’t a first time. He still remembers clearly the time he held Chanyeol’s hand that one time he helped him, and on a rainy late afternoon too. _How amusing,_  he giggled to himself.

 

He was changing then, after Chanyeol’s friend lent him some clothes. He was too drenched that the man freaked out and thrusted a towel to his hands the moment he got one. But his silent giddyful musings end abruptly as soon as he steps out of the bathroom, instantly hit by an ugly pain increasing as he watched the scene that greeted him.

 

Standing by the living room were two people bickering like it isn’t the first time.  _Of course it isn't. This is_ the friend _Chanyeol said he lives with and takes cares of him_ _,_ Baekhyun thought sullenly. He gripped his chest unconsciously, the glee he felt not a moment ago forgotten. But he couldn’t look away either, continuing to watch their friendship unfold before him.

 

 _Do Kyungsoo_ , as he introduced himself,  _the friend_ , as Chanyeol introduced him – attended to the blind man’s needs. He was fussing over his friend’s top that happened to have been buttoned wrongly.

 

"Chanyeol, what is wrong with you." He said frustrated, trying to get past the blind man's hands from blocking him. "Why won't you let me fix the buttons?!"

 

"I can do it myself, Kyungsoo." Chanyeol whined. A supposed cute sight if Baekhyun weren't feeling so heavy.

 

“Huh, what?” Kyungsoo stared at him in disbelief for a moment then continued on berating with an obvious frown. “You don’t normally mess these buttons up. And sheesh, you never whined before, why are you whining now? And why are you still wearing your glasses? Take them off, you’re at home now.

 

"God, Chanyeol! I don’t understand why you’re acting all--” he exclaimed baffled when Chanyeol continued to refuse. But then he stops the moment he notices Baekhyun standing by the doorway, and something immediately clicks. “Oh..  _ohhh_ …”

 

“I see,” giving Baekhyun an odd knowing look, Kyungsoo stepped away from the other. “Ah! The food! I forgot all about the food I’m cooking!” he says loudly with exaggeration, an obvious lie that Baekhyun failed to understand why. “Baekhyun? Could you help Chanyeol fix his clothes? And please tell him to get rid of his glasses. He doesn’t need them inside,” and leaves with a too happy hum.

 

“Uh.. I…… but…” Baekhyun stands frozen while he watched Kyungsoo disappear in the kitchen.

 

“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol said at the same time while desperately trying to fix the buttons to their right holes.

 

 

 

Baekhyun is not aware that Chanyeol does not normally mess up wearing his clothes. The life of living blind had eventually taught him ways and have adapted with the mere feeling of things to get by. But for tonight, with the fact that Baekhyun was under the same roof as him, he messes up. Flustering at the thought that he may be watching from anywhere and he would not even know.

 

At the sound of footsteps approaching him, Chanyeol’s heart begins to race. By the time he felt the other’s presence in front of him, it was hammering violently.

 

“May I?” Baekhyun said, voice shy and meek.

 

After barely giving a nod, Chanyeol felt fingers against his chest – buttoning and unbuttoning the buttons to their right holes. The touch of his fingertips going down every button sends a spark as it graces his skin past the one layer of fabric. His breath almost hitches, and Chanyeol had to control himself to remain calm and collected, not lost and agitated. While he did feel uncomfortable, it was not the kind he wanted to disappear.

 

“There, all fixed.”

 

He feels a pat on his shoulders, probably smoothing out the creases of his pajama top. And he can’t help but smile at the hint of warmth in Baekhyun’s voice, an obvious smile as he spoke. “Thank you,” Chanyeol says. But he panics once again when he feels hands on his glasses, and abruptly grabs Baekhyun’s wrists and flinches away from him. “No.  _Don’t_.”

 

“But you’re home now, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun had that confusion in his voice, but he was stubborn. Fear encasing him at that moment.

 

“Baek, don’t.. what if.. what if you get scared?” Chanyeol looks away, still a tight grip on the other’s wrists.

 

“No, I won’t.” But Baekhyun too was insistent. “I haven’t even seen your eyes yet. Who are you to say I’d be scared.”

 

“Baekhyun--”

 

“ _I won’t be_ _,_ Chanyeol.”

 

Several moments of silence pass until Chanyeol finally sighs and gives in. He places Baekhyun’s hands on his glasses, silently telling him to do it himself.

 

 

Not once has Baekhyun seen his eyes, for Chanyeol always wore his pitch black glasses rain or shine, day or night. And while he had always been curious, he never once asked if he could see as a silent respect. Not once did it cross his mind that Chanyeol might have been insecure, even a little bit. He had always given him the vibe that after years of living as a blind man, he has learned to embrace it. His thoughtful, deep, and meaningful answers to his questions were enough telling that he has.

 

But hearing Chanyeol’s words, Baekhyun felt his heart clench in a little pain. _He should have known._

 

 

Somehow, taking off Chanyeol’s glasses ended up being a meaningful act for both. Chanyeol’s hands did not let go of Baekhyun’s, but it did not stop them either.

 

Once it was off, Chanyeol could not help but look away, lowering his eyes to the ground as insecurity built up inside him. Something he hasn’t felt in a very long time.

 

A beat passes and there was only silence. Chanyeol wanted nothing more but to put his pitch black glasses back on and pretend it was never off. But then he hears the glasses being put down and then felt fingers leave gentle touches across both his eyes. The warmth of palms cupping his face as the pads of soft fingertips continues to caress his eyelids, tracing the shape of it and under. He could not help but lean onto them, melting at the affection he can feel so greatly.

 

“They’re not scary. They’re  _fascinating_.” Baekhyun voices out. Smiling as he looked into the eyes of the other for the first time since they met – looked into the eyes of a blind man for the very first time in his life.

 

Baekhyun was mesmerized. They were intriguing, different from most of the blind people Baekhyun had encountered before. Chanyeol’s irises were clouded by a white glaze. Giving off a rather ghost like image; an off-whitish color as opposed to the pearl white surrounding them. They were beautiful, in his opinion – enthralling, if he were asked.

 

“You find everything fascinating.” Chanyeol had to laugh, releasing a breath he did not know he held. And he sighed in relief as he heard Baekhyun’s familiar awed voice.

 

“No, just  _you_.” Baekhyun said unthinkingly, unaware that his short phrase sent a tingling giddiness to Chanyeol’s chest.

 

 

“You didn’t bring an umbrella, did you?” Holding up a hand, Chanyeol felt around until he felt Baekhyun’s hair. Leaving a fleet of touch to his shoulder and finding his way up to his soft locks.

 

In just a second, Baekhyun was snapped from his daze and panics. “H-How— _no_.. what makes you say t-that?”

 

Baekhyun’s stuttering sent an unknowing grin to Chanyeol. Pulling the ends of his lips up even more when he felt the shorter’s hands push the arms that reached out to him; the feeling of physical closeness sending electricity throughout his body, a first for that matter too.

 

“Your hair would not be wet if you did.” He fingers a few strands that are still dripping.

 

“I-I just… just took a shower. Of course it’ll be wet.” Baekhyun tries to reason, although his voice gave off an obvious lie. He was a frenzy inside –  _Chanyeol wasn’t supposed to know_.

 

“I never heard the shower be used.” Chanyeol tells him, fond laced in his voice. “And you would not need one if you did.”

 

Sighing, Baekhyun slumps in defeat. Seen through his lies, he felt guilty and afraid, hoping that Chanyeol would not be angry. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes in a whisper. “I just didn’t want to go home…”

 

“I know you told me that, but you should have told me you had no umbrella. I’d rather you tell me than you get sick because of me.”

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

“It’s okay.” Chanyeol moves to hold both of Baekhyun’s hands, smiling at the sincere apology. “Next time, tell me. I’m not going to brush you off just because.”

 

 

“I will.” Baekhyun nods his head, even though it won’t be seen. But Chanyeol’s soothing voice and the warmth of his hands enveloping his, thumbs caressing its back – he felt at ease. Tempted to lean in and bury his face in the crook of the other’s neck, probably even try for an embrace.

 

But before he was able to, almost giving in to his absentminded desire, Kyungsoo’s voice disrupts them from the kitchen.

 

“Dinner’s ready you lovebirds!!”

 

And just like that, both are snapped from the bubble of warmth and affection that surrounded them. The two instantly taking a step back away from each other and flustering at the physical contact they just had.

 

“ _Askdalghf_ , Kyungsoo?!” Chanyeol screams in a failed irritated attempt.

 

If Chanyeol could see, he would be met by a beet red Baekhyun fidgeting in front of him, all shy and timid, looking at the ground and avoiding his eyes like he can see. If Baekhyun were looking up, he would be met by Chanyeol’s rare flustered state; rubbing his nape and looking away from anywhere but his direction.

 

The sight had Chanyeol’s friend giggling. Kyungsoo had to cover his mouth to prevent his squeals at the adorable scene he just witnessed.  _How cute. So they like each other_ _,_ he thought amusedly.

It was obvious, after all. If Chanyeol looking down at Baekhyun with that fond smile and like he had never lost his eyesight was any indication, then yes – Chanyeol adores the guy. And if Baekhyun’s obvious blush in his cheeks with that shy smile was any sign, then yes – Baekhyun likes the blind man.

 

 

 

 

 

Dinner was spent animatedly. With Kyungsoo and Baekhyun clicking like long lost friends in an instant, and their voices telling each other stories filling the whole house. There was Bacon joining in too for dinner, her metal bowl making sounds as she ate on the floor. Baekhyun learned more about Chanyeol then. Laughing in mirth for every embarrassing story Kyungsoo would tell while Chanyeol whined beside him.

 

It was by far the warmest, most joyous, fullest meal Baekhyun had ever had in a very long time. The most colorful as opposed to the contrasting plain grays of the regular meals he has every day.  _How envying_ _,_ he thought again. Chanyeol is indeed, definitely, living a colorful life despite his incapability to see. Compared to his dull, gray monochrome one he has no choice but to go through despite his clear eyesight of everything.

 

 

By the time they ended dinner, the rains have gotten stronger. Strong winds shook the windows creating petrifying sounds. Bright lightning and loud rumbles of thunder every now and then, causing Baekhyun to flinch at every strike.

 

“I think it’s better if you stay here.” Kyungsoo said, looking out the window as strong rains pattered on.

 

“No, it’s okay. I can just run--”

 

 _“Stay.”_  Chanyeol cut in, not missing the apparent quiver in his voice.

 

When Baekhyun looked back at the other, he was caught off guard, a shiver running down his spine giving him goosebumps. At the same time, he felt his heart race.

Chanyeol’s clouded irises were looking directly  _at him_ , like he can see. With no pitch black glasses covering his blinded eyes – the man looked more alive than hidden. It was an image Baekhyun can’t help but be captured, yet again, especially when Chanyeol sends him that familiar smile to pair it with that he loves.

With a bite to his lips, Baekhyun shied away and went on to help Kyungsoo clear the table.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mom, hi. Umm.. I’m staying at a friend’s house tonight. Is that okay?”

 

“I’ll be back tomorrow.”

 

“Okay. Goodnight mom. Tell dad I said goodnight too.”

 

“Love--… _you_.”

 

Baekhyun was calling his house on the phone, talking to his mother who had answered, telling her that he won’t be returning home for the night. And from behind, Chanyeol listened. Not meaning to eavesdrop but could not help it when he can hear sadness laced in the other’s voice.

 

The volume the phone had was loud enough for him to hear, and the voice had an apparent uncaring tone. It wasn’t monotonous per se, sounding delighted even. But it was obvious how the person on the other line cared more of whatever else aside from the phone call at hand. And before Baekhyun could even voice out a short sincere expression to his mom, the line was already dead.  _Is this why, he had always rather not go home?_

 

After hearing an audible dejected sigh, Chanyeol calls out to him, “Baekhyun?”

 

“Oh, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun replies, turning to his direction and is met by Chanyeol’s clouded eyes.

 

“Sleep in my room.” He says while approaching where the voice came from.

 

“No. No, it’s okay. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

 

“Baekhyun, you’re a guest.” He stood in front of him, feeling his hand around in search of Baekhyun’s.

 

After a fleeting touch to his arm, Baekhyun felt his wrist be circled by Chanyeol’s hand, and somehow conveying a silent comforting gesture. Baekhyun felt his heart melt, the unexpected affection taking away the dejection he felt.

 

“Exactly. I’m a guest and the couch is fine, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun said, a smile now evident in his voice. “Just don’t let me freeze to death and lend me a blanket.”

 

And Chanyeol chuckles out an  _okay_ , his own smile always warm and gentle, relieved of the happiness he can very much hear.

 

They share silence after, but neither made a move to step away from each other. While Chanyeol listened, surrounding himself of the comforting atmosphere he had always felt when the other is around, Baekhyun was in a daze once again.

 

This time, Chanyeol leans into the hand that cupped his face, fingers tracing one eye of his. “I really like your eyes.” He hears Baekhyun say with fond in his voice. A grin blooms on his face at that, not able to stop the tug on his lips at the fluttering he felt of his heart.

 

“I think they’re cool, like you’re some kind of hero in disguise.” Baekhyun said in mirth, and Chanyeol erupted in laughter that he too joined in not a moment later.

 

 

 

A warm goodnight was said amidst the still rough rains that poured outside. Chanyeol had never felt so overjoyed to hear Baekhyun’s cheerful voice in his home saying goodnights to Kyungsoo and Bacon, both of whom responded to him just as cheery. He had never felt so happy to hear Baekhyun’s voice saying a shy goodnight to him, for he had never thought this would happen. Almost two months into their friendship and Baekhyun never failed to envelop Chanyeol in a pleasant kind of warmth he had never felt before, not even back when he could still see.

 

But he continues to deny his feelings. The weight in his heart was nothing more but mere infatuation he felt for the other. That Byun Baekhyun was nothing more but a person who makes him happy, a wonderful person who embraced him with a loving friendship despite his blind state.

 

 

 _There was nothing more to that_.

 

 

Even after Chanyeol leaves his room’s door ajar for a reason he denies. Even after he leaves his room for a moment when he heard puppy-like yelps from outside, tucking Baekhyun in in the middle of the night. Even after leaving a long sweet kiss to his temple that his heart somehow told him to do, that stopped Baekhyun’s sounds like his nightmares were soothed. Even after he went back to his room, falling asleep to the pattering of rain but the image he created in his mind of Baekhyun’s smile.

 

 

 _It was nothing more but shallow fond infatuation_.

 

 

 

 


	4. Color

 

◄  **Four** ||  _the touches of color, begin_

 

 

Sleepless nights were nights Baekhyun hated the most. He can lie in bed for hours on end and he would  _still_  be awake. There have been many times when he would go to bed as early as midnight yet still be awake by the time the sun rises. It’s frustrating. Because all that ever really swirls in his mind –  _is his life_.

 

The stars out his window, twinkling prettily amidst the midnight blue sky, would always leave him with contemplative thoughts. How pathetic he feels. How unaccomplished he is. How unsuccessful he fears he would be in the future. How it feels like he is moving several steps backwards when the people around him are moving steps forward. How unlike the moon that shines bright in the middle of the beautiful sky, Baekhyun was part of the forgotten background.

 

Recently, however, a new thought joins in –  _Park Chanyeol_. How inspiring he is as a person, affecting him in ways he never realized was possible. How admirable he is with the answers he give his most of the time nonsensical questions. How wonderful the man he has met and created a bond with like no other. How Chanyeol is the moon that shined prettily in the sky, lighting his life like the moon is lighting the city. That despite losing the sense of sight – considered as a valuable capability – Chanyeol is still able to  _live_ , not simply  _exist_.

And Baekhyun wishes that too –  _to live in a life filled with color and meaning_. How greatly envious he is of the tall blind man that wears pitch black glasses outside a colorful world.

 

And with that thought filling his mind last, Baekhyun is able to fall asleep, sound and at peace. The image of Chanyeol’s familiar smile, now added with the image of his clouded gray eyes – Baekhyun is lured in to a dream filled goodnight.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

Since the night Baekhyun spent at Chanyeol’s, things changed. Their feelings grew stronger, much deeper than before. For every day that passes, the temptation to hold each other’s hands doubled. For every late afternoon meetup is a desire to grow closer together in both physical closeness and affection.

 

For every drawing of the blind man added to the growing collection Baekhyun had, the yearning becomes insufferable. He continuously wants to give in to the strong desire to lean on Chanyeol’s shoulders, to hold his hand and feel those sparks run up and down his spine, to maybe even embrace him and feel goosebumps spread all throughout his body. He continuously wishes to be able to run his fingers and trace his eyes once again, be mesmerized of the clouded irises seeming to stare  _at him_ like he is no blind man. He has yet to see it again; Chanyeol continues to wear his dark glasses outside the comforts of his home.

But Baekhyun controls himself. He does not know if the blind man feels the same. Ruining the friendship they already had is not something he wants to happen. To lose the closeness they have now and perhaps make it disappear would be the last thing he wants.

 

On the other hand, for every voice and sounds of laughter Chanyeol hears from Baekhyun, the denial grows tenfold. His own yearning is strong. Strong enough that he wishes to give in to his own temptations of holding Baekhyun’s hand with his. To keep the man beside him for as long as possible with the few hours they spend outside at the park. How unbearable the feeling is to control his desire to feel the soft pads of Baekhyun’s fingertips trace his eyes once again, cupping his face with those familiar hands.

But for every sound of pencil scraping the paper, eraser rubbing the image drawn, he is brought back to a strong denial of his own feelings.  _He cannot. He will not. He must not_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

“What do you think of the color green?”

 

“Green? Umm.. Trees? Grass?”

 

“Pink?”

 

“Big smiling.. uh.. Barbie?” Chanyeol feels his heart skip when he hears Baekhyun’s giggles.

 

“How about the color brown?”

 

“Poop.”

 

Laughter fills the air as Chanyeol gave his answer, Baekhyun almost falling off the bench the moment the word was said. He was coloring one of his drawings – an image of Bacon sleeping on the ground with no care of the chaos around him. And it prompted an absentminded question, much like most of the questions he had asked in the past.

 

“How about… yellow?”

 

“Uh.. bumblebees? They’re a stripe of yellow and black, if I remember.” Chanyeol answers, amusement apparent in his voice at the random question – not at all complaining like all the other questions he is asked. “The sun too,”  _and you,_ he added to himself.  _My bright sunshine_ _,_ he thought.

 

“And red?”

 

“ _Mmm_.. anger? aggressiveness, passion…  _love_.” Chanyeol’s smile falters.

 

“How ‘bout the color purple?”

 

“The sky,” he answers in a beat.

 

 

“The sky?”

 

With a pause to his coloring, Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol in wonder. For his answer is something he never thought, in any way, related to the color.  _Royalty maybe, or mystery if they’re going deep.. but the sky? Is that not usually blue?_

 

“Yeah,  _the sky_ ,” Chanyeol looks up then, a contemplative smile gracing his features. And he continues with a voice gentle and solemn. “One of the last beautiful images I saw before I lost my eyesight.. is the sunset.

 

"A mix of purple and orange, with the sun disappearing down the line of silhouette trees, little by little, going down a centimeter every minute, until it’s just the great blue sky spreading above.

 

"Beautiful, no?”

 

For the nth time, Baekhyun is left wordless. It brings a smile on his lips, not able to help himself when a sense of warmth and that feather-like weight tickling him spreads throughout his body.  _A beautiful image of a beautiful answer_.

 

“The sun is setting now, would you like me to describe it to you?” he asks, looking to where the sun has always set. Where Chanyeol, too, is looking like he is watching.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

“You can’t see the sun,” Baekhyun begins, “the sky is also covered with clouds. But the light is fading and it gets darker and darker as it goes higher. You can see the moon though, hazy but there, a sort of half-moon crescent. There’s a few stars too, the brightest ones peeking through the unclouded parts of the sky. If you pinch your eyes you’ll see them tiny dots.”

 

“ _Beautiful_.” Chanyeol says.

 

When Baekhyun looks back, he felt his cheeks flush and his heart flip. Chanyeol was apparently looking at him when he said so, at least in his general direction. And Baekhyun can imagine, the clouded glazed eyes that fascinated him the first time he saw, despite hidden behind pitch black glasses, looking directly  _at him_.

 

With a shy smile that the blind man cannot see, Baekhyun looks back at looking at the slowly fading sunset. Chanyeol too looks back towards the sunset’s direction. But instead of imagining a vague blurred picture of the sunset in his memories and the sunset that Baekhyun just described, instead, he listens to the breathing sounds of the man beside him.

 

 

 

_So close, yet so far._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

_To feel lonely or to be left alone – two synonyms, two different concepts._

 

In a crowded room full of people, all Baekhyun sees is one color. Everywhere he looks are mere different shades of the color gray in monochrome. He may laugh, he may giggle. His eyes may crinkle in its prettiest form of crescents. And his smile may be the most beautiful, his grin the brightest. But for as long as Baekhyun feels empty, then color is nonexistent in his vision.

 

There are too many people it feels suffocating, all Baekhyun wants to do is leave. In an empty room where he is alone it feels suffocating, all Baekhyun wants to do, too, is leave.  _How complicated_ _,_ he muses sadly on a daily basis. He wants to be left alone, but he also wants someone to always be there. Baekhyun doesn’t even understand.

 

But then the image of a tall man with eyes hidden in pitch black glasses comes into mind. And Baekhyun’s once view of a monochrome world is slowly crayoned with different colors. The man makes him happy. His presence is warmth Baekhyun always wants to feel. His gentle smile is something he always wants to receive.

 

_Park Chanyeol eliminates the loneliness in his heart and adds a spectrum to his world._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

The rains were strong and heavy. The storm the past few weeks had yet to let up. And just like outside, there was also a storm going on inside the Byun’s household. While the rain pattered strongly against the windowpanes, the winds passing by roughly creating eerie sounds amidst the darkness, Baekhyun lies in his bed watching and trying, with all his might, to block out the angry booming voices from outside his bedroom.

 

But alas, all was a measly attempt for the voices were  _just, too, loud_. Even if he buries his head tightly between the mattress and his pillow and even hidden in a thick layer of blanket – it wasn’t enough. Although, at least, it was all muffled words, nothing was clear to understand. But then again, that is probably because Baekhyun refuses to. He has no choice to  _hear_ , but he has a choice to  _listen_.

 

 

 _His parents were fighting, again_.

 

 

This is not the first time it has happened. In fact, it has happened so many times Baekhyun is already used to it.  _Supposedly, used to it_. They fight, they make up, they fight, they make up again – nothing new.

But ever since he met Park Chanyeol, created a deepening bond with the man, Baekhyun’s guard weakens. Ever since he realized that there is a person he can lean onto without the fear of judgement, without the fear of losing the person for his petty ridiculous whines and complains, his strong façade crumbles down.

 

He tries to use this as an escape. Imagining the blind man wearing his pitch black glasses, walking his caramel colored dog along the paths of the park nearby their homes, sitting on the bench they have claimed with an unwritten rule that that is theirs – all peaceful and serene. And last but not least, his ever familiar warm, gentle smile that he knows is directed  _at him_ , and imagines that the blind man’s eyes, if it weren’t, were directed at him, too.

 

Yet at an early stormy three in the morning, Baekhyun is engulfed in extreme loneliness and desperation. No matter how much he tries to think of positive thoughts – none ever works. For every minute that passes, every scream that is heard, Baekhyun is wide awake and crying. And for every strike of lightning, every roar of thunder, Baekhyun’s sobs grows louder. He’s scared, so very scared and lonely that his heart is hammering against his chest as it all cages him – overwhelms him.

 

“ _Chanyeol_ _,_ ” he whispers against his pillow, body curled on the bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 _Tonight’s fight is affecting him more than the many fights of the pasts_.

 

 

 

 

 

It is only when he hears a loud crash of what he presumes is glass breaking that Baekhyun had had enough. And with quiet but hurried footsteps, he sneaks out of his bedroom. By the second floor’s landing, Baekhyun can now fully hear his parents' arguments. Their voices were now echoing throughout the whole house that its sounds are deafening to Baekhyun’s unwilling ears.

 _Do they not care about their son? Who lives within the same household and can hear every single argument of theirs. Do they not care?_  He thought angrily.

 

With hushed footsteps, Baekhyun makes his way down the stairs. By the living room, he sees his parents argue like a separation is inevitable with how things are going, with the kind of harsh words thrown at each other. Not one of them even notices his presence – like they had no son, like he was an invisible nonexistent being. With desperation and fear engulfing him whole doubly times more, he swiftly moves to the front door.

 

The shouts resound throughout the household like it will never stop, now even louder than before overriding the rough storms just outside – deafening screams all throughout. Without second thoughts, with only a sweater above his thin pajamas to shield him from the rain, Baekhyun leaves without looking back.

 

 

The trip to Chanyeol’s home on the other side of the neighborhood was petrifying. As much as Baekhyun loved the rains, walking through it in the middle of the night was another matter. The hazy lights from the lamp posts he passed by did not help either, made it worse even, for a few were flickering and creating a very eerie atmosphere. He passes by their bench in front of the large Oak tree with its branches swaying violently amidst the strong winds, terrifying Baekhyun even more for its monstrous-like image.

But the thought of seeing Chanyeol, a wishful thinking of being embraced in his arms, was all it took to heighten Baekhyun’s determination and arrive in his house in just a matter of minutes.

 

At an early three in the morning, when everyone is expected to be asleep and in the confines of the safety of their homes, here Baekhyun is – standing just outside a front door that isn’t his after sneaking through the little picket fence gate he only sees from the outside, shivering from the cold and completely drenched from the rain. Yet even with the current circumstance he is in, the desperation still reeling in him to feel comforting arms around him, he still has second thoughts on whether to ring the doorbell or not. Disturbing the people inside that was once the least of his concern when he left home earlier is now the first.

 

 

 

 

Matching with the roars of thunder, the sound of the doorbell rings throughout the household and disrupts the people that were sleeping peacefully inside.  _Ignore_ , both of the housemates thought. But with a groan and a mumbled whine, one of them unwillingly gets up from bed to answer it. And when he does so, after sneaking a peek at the door’s peephole, what greeted him was something he never expected.

 

“Baekhyun?!” Kyungsoo, the first to get up, exclaims now wide awake after opening the front door in a harsh manner. “Oh god. Come in! Come in!” and with his voice are the welcoming barks of Bacon just behind him.

 

Soaking wet with arms curling around himself to keep warm from the chilly gusts of winds, as well as eyes swollen and red from what he immediately presumed as crying – is the image that greeted him.

 

“What happened to you? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Kyungsoo rambles in panic and concern, instantly moving around the house to get needs for Baekhyun’s drenched state.

 

“Hi..” Baekhyun greeted weakly with a quivering voice, sending Bacon, who looked up at him with her familiar big puppy eyes, a little smile. He felt instantly welcomed by both the dog whose tail was wagging in delight and Chanyeol’s friend. “I’m sorry for intruding at such a time—”

 

“Oh shush. You won’t be coming here at this time of hour and like this if there’s nothing wrong, so don’t fret about it, alright?” Kyungsoo cuts him off with a warm smile, handing him a towel and a change of clothes to dry himself off. “Please feel comfortable, you’re not intruding at all.” He reassures him when Baekhyun still gives him a very apologetic expression.

 

“Kyungsoo? Who was that?”

 

A voice from the far end of the hallway interrupts them, skipping Baekhyun’s heart in the process.

 

“Oh, Chanyeol! It’s Baekhyun.”

 

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol frowns, feeling the walls to find his way, still disoriented from just waking up from his slumber.

 

“Hi.. Chanyeol.” Baekhyun greets him shyly, lowering his head and hiding the pink tint of his cheeks that he can feel heat up like the man might see.

 

“Baek,” after following the voice that he can immediately tell something was wrong, Chanyeol stood in front of him. “What happened? Are you okay?” and he opens his arms unthinkingly, inviting Baekhyun into them.

 

And with that act alone, Baekhyun breakdowns once more that night. Without thinking of his own actions either, without even being conscious of his still drenched state, he moves in for the much needed embrace he had been desperately wanting, before and doubly at this moment.

 

“No.. I’m.. I just.. need a hug, is all.” He says with a broken voice that Chanyeol caught at the first word alone.

 

Without another word, Chanyeol encloses his arms tight around the smaller, offering whatever comfort he can give. And without, too, another word, Kyungsoo leaves the two friends by themselves, leaving a fleeting touch to Chanyeol’s shoulder as a silent gesture that he will make his leave.

 

“Make yourself comfortable, Baekhyun. You are always welcome in this home, no matter the time.”

 

Kyungsoo adds in the gentlest voice Baekhyun has ever heard before he leaves. Breaking him down even more for the warmth he so desperately craved –  _now given_.

 

 

 

 

The rains remain strong, the winds remain rough, the thunders remain loud, and the lightning remains striking. But as opposed to the chaos outside, inside, it is at peace –  _finally_ , for Baekhyun.

 

At the dimly lit living room, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are seated on the couch side by side, no longer a space between them as opposed to the always, at most, six inches distance. None of them complains or feel bothered. None of them even thinks about it, for the only thought in their minds at the moment are each other’s presence.  _Why did Baekhyun sound so broken, for Chanyeol, and how comforting Chanyeol’s presence is, for Baekhyun_.

 

“I’m sorry for disturbing you guys so early in the morning.” Baekhyun says in apology. Wrapping his arms around his folded legs and faintly smiling as Chanyeol’s oversized shirt, that Kyungsoo handed to him without so much a word, encased his body with warmth and the blind man’s scent.

 

“No, not at all, Baek.” Chanyeol shakes his head. He holds his hand out, feeling around until he feels Baekhyun’s shoulders. After then, he moves up to cup his face and caresses it with his thumb, brushing away the dried streaks of tears. “I don’t care if it’s midnight, whether one or two in the early morning. May it even be five or six.  _If you need me, I am here_.”

 

With a heavy weight of warmth fluttering his chest, an overwhelming feeling taking over, Baekhyun leans in to Chanyeol’s touch. He places a hand over the other’s, and his once faint smile gleams as he looked deep into Chanyeol’s clouded glazed eyes that seem to look back just as deep  _into his_.

 

They stay like that for a long while; simply caressing each other with affectionate hands like physical contact has always been done between them. None of them willing to disrupt what they shared between them at the moment.

 

It is Chanyeol who first breaks the silence, finally moving his hand away much to Baekhyun’s disappointment.

 

“So, would you like to tell me why you’re here in the middle of a storm and so early in the morning?” he says. “..or would you rather not.

 

 _I’m willing to listen, Baekhyun_. I just want you to know.” He adds.

 

For the first time in his life, even if feeling uncomfortable and unwilling, Baekhyun opens up. And his disappointment doesn’t last long either, for Chanyeol felt around for his hand, and after finding it, enveloping it whole and squeezing as a silent encouragement and assurance.

 

“My parents fought again.” Baekhyun begins with a racing heart. This is a subject he had always been ashamed about and never fond of the idea of other people knowing,  _but this is Chanyeol_. “They always fight, so I’m used to it, I guess.

 

"But it gets tiring, you know? Sometimes you can’t help but think ‘why the hell can’t they just separate?’ wouldn’t that be better? If they’re always going to fight anyway?” Baekhyun sighs heavily and leans his head onto Chanyeol’s shoulder. “But you also want your family complete, because you love them both and thinking that one of them might disappear one day….

 

"That one day, if you’re asked to draw a family picture.. your drawing would then be missing someone…

 

 _"I don’t want that..”_   in an almost whisper he says.

 

Baekhyun feels Chanyeol interlace their fingers, and the heavy weight of his bottled feelings lightens in just a second. A small comforting gesture, a simple mere presence of someone willing to listen – yet all enough to lift off the heavy burden he had been carrying for a long time.

 

No words were then said after. Chanyeol somehow knew that Baekhyun did not open up to hear words of obligated assurance, but simply needed a listening ear and a comforting presence. He knew, after spending many late afternoon hours, after having deep contemplative conversations, that  _Byun Baekhyun is a man hiding from many layers of pretend, layers of strong facades and fake happiness_. And this short opening of feelings is just part of the beginning of Chanyeol peeling it all off –  _one layer at a time_.

Baekhyun did not mind the silence either, welcomed it even.  _For this is Park Chanyeol_  – the man he has grown comfortable enough to open up parts of his life, to open up this one particular page of his book that he had always felt shameful of and closed from everyone else. The man he knew will not judge him but embrace him even with warmth despite his flaws and faults. And the squeeze he received on his hand was enough to eliminate the regret and shame he feels of telling so, burying his face deeper in the crook of the blind man’s neck and breathing slowly, in and out, until he falls into finally – a deep comfortable slumber.

 

 

 

While the rains continued to patter strongly against the windowpanes, and the winds rustling violently the trees outside, Baekhyun falls asleep in peace embraced – for the first time – in Chanyeol’s arms. They fall asleep against each other on the living room’s couch, and neither complains – nothing audible or even within. The warmth that blankets them at the moment is what lulls them to sleep. Even Bacon, Chanyeol’s dog that he had fallen deeply fond of, gives Baekhyun more warmth as she slept curled by his other side.

 

However, this time, both are  _very_  aware of their actions.

 

Baekhyun is aware; fully aware that his heart is thumping wildly at the arms that circles him, the hand that holds his. But it is also enough to ease his racing heart to tingling beats that hushes him to a peaceful dreamland. Chanyeol’s warmth never fails to flail his feelings that have grown twice, perhaps even triple, tonight.

Chanyeol, too, is aware; fully aware that he is letting his guard down. That aside from the will to comfort Baekhyun as much as he can, he also gives in to his strong desire to engulf the man in his arms that he has been wanting to do so long ago. And his heart hammers against his chest when the warmth of the smaller’s body against his finally sinks in, when Baekhyun’s sweet scent mixes with his own with the shirt he knew, he owns, he is wearing. But just like Baekhyun, it is also enough to calm his racing heart to gleeful beats per second and bring him to his own dreamland. Baekhyun’s presence, tonight, has gotten Chanyeol realizing that he can no longer deny his feelings for the other –  _his now very, very strong feelings_.

 

 

 

 


	5. Hope

  
◄  **Five** ||  _hope, sometimes that's all you have_

 

 

A  _committed relationship_ , as defined formally, is an ‘interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving  _exclusivity_ ,  _love_ ,  _trust_ ,  _honesty_ ,  _openness_ , or some other agreed-upon behavior’. [\--](https://www.google.com.ph/search?q=define+committed+relationship&oq=define+committed+relationship&aqs=chrome..69i57j0.1530j0j4&client=ms-android-samsung&sourceid=chrome-mobile&espv=1&ie=UTF-8)

 

Baekhyun, however, defines it differently.

 

 _‘A committed relationship.. is nothing more but a mutually agreed-upon relationship between two people, no more, no less_.’

 

 

Byun Baekhyun is not new to committed relationships. He has had a fair share in his young adult lifetime. They either lasted long or short and fun or plain. The longest was the recent breakup that lasted for two long years. The shortest was a mere few months. The most fun relationship he had was with a girl his age, but that ended because both realized they saw each other as nothing more but close friends and he rather swung the other way. The most plain was with a guy three years his senior – mutually agreed to go out together and mutually agreed to separate. No relationship had dramatic post break up issues or even separation anxiety problems, at least on his end there wasn’t. Then again, for him, none was also ever deep.

 _Puppy shallow love_ , Baekhyun likes to describe his experiences, just never  _deep long lasted love_. Maybe even take out the ‘love’, perhaps? Change it to mere  _infatuation_  is more probably suiting. No sparks, no electricity. No instant clicks. No overjoyed instances where tears of joy were shed, or even sadness or frustration.

 

There was exclusivity, Baekhyun never experienced being cheated on or played with. Probably the nearest is with that two year relationship where the guy is frolicked upon on by numerous others and flirting was unavoidable. But while he did feel a sting of jealousy over it, the issue had always been placed on the backburner. It hurts, yet at the same time – easily forgotten. Perhaps it is because deep down, while Baekhyun trusted his partners and they did back, the feelings were not enough to truly affect him.

None of his relationships went far deeper than the simple ‘commitment’ of an ‘official relationship’. There was no full honesty or trust where Byun Baekhyun was a hundred percent himself. Everything was just _shallow_. And all of Baekhyun’s past relationships only knew one side of him – _his ‘strong, bright and happy self’_.

 

 

 

Baekhyun’s relationships reflected his monochrome life –  _never held color_. Touches of it, maybe. But never in the long run. It has always been plain different shades of gray.

 

 _With Chanyeol, on the other hand, he feels everything different – he feels everything colorful, everything meaningful, and everything worthwhile_.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

It was still early sunrise that Baekhyun left Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s home. The rough stormy weather had let up for a moment’s time. Baekhyun left with lingering warmth after a tight embrace with Kyungsoo, kissing Bacon’s nose who whined at his leave, and especially being engulfed, yet again, in Chanyeol’s arms for a shy embrace goodbye, a silent _later_ hung in the air for their everyday late afternoon meetups.

 

There was a smile playing on his lips as Baekhyun walked back his own home after, for he knew from that moment on that his feelings for the blind man _may_ be mutual.

He felt it on the way Chanyeol held him that early stormy morning. Felt it on the way his big hands were interlaced with his,  _tight with bond and assurance_ , causing sparks to run up and down his spine for just that minimal contact. Felt it twice more when he was still dazed in sleepiness yet aware enough to feel Chanyeol was nuzzling his nose on his hair, breathing deeply his scent, and then letting go of their interlaced hands just to envelop him whole with both his arms,  _close against him_. Baekhyun’s heart fluttered then and he goes back to his peaceful slumber with a faint smile gracing his lips.

 

 _Baekhyun can_ feel _that Chanyeol,_ too _, felt something_  for him _._

 

So even when he returns to a home silent, parents gone early for work, not even aware that their son had snuck out in the middle of the night – Baekhyun did not feel down. Even when he returns to an empty, cold and chilly household of his own – it did not affect him. Baekhyun returns back to sleep for the remainder of the morning on his own bed basking on the warmth of Chanyeol and his home and the other two that resides there with him.

 

 _Warmth of a first time, ever lovely, friendship and love_.

 

 

 

On the other hand, Chanyeol felt  _afraid_. Fear cages him when he hears Baekhyun’s laughter, echoing through the hallways of his house as he says his goodbyes. It encases him twice, constricting his heart in pain, when they both gave each other a last, rather awkward, embrace before Baekhyun leaves. And he feels his heart crack when he listens and hears their front door shut close and the only sounds left are of Kyungsoo’s and Bacon’s, no more Baekhyun’s amidst it all.

 

Because Chanyeol knew, from the moment he held Baekhyun in his arms that it is not only him who feels something –  _Baekhyun feels something for him too_.

He felt it on the way Baekhyun cuddled against him. On the way Baekhyun squeezed their interlaced hands that he regrets, but not, deliberately doing. He felt it more when Baekhyun rested his face against the crook of his neck; doubly more at what he cannot mistake is a smile that matched the sigh he let out. And he felt it the most when Baekhyun gripped the front of his shirt, just coincidentally above his rapidly beating heart, tight until he has finally fallen asleep.

 

But now that Baekhyun has left, even with the homey sounds of Kyungsoo preparing breakfast and the feeling of Bacon swaying her tail as she sat curled beside him on the couch where it all happened. Even when the events of just early this morning kept replaying in his head – Chanyeol is just suddenly  _so, very, afraid_.

 

Chanyeol looks out the window where he knew was to his right, perceiving the little amount of light that passes through. He brushes what he felt are tears welling up his eyes, a silent sniff amidst the tranquility that surrounded him, a contrast to the chaos in his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

One would think that after Baekhyun had stayed the night at Chanyeol’s, coming in at an early three in the morning. That after opening a part of his life he had always been adamant to hide, feeling all sorts of shame be washed away by relief and honesty. That after receiving such warm physical contact and affection from the blind man – things would be different. But after that night, things returned to how they usually are between the two – like physical contact never existed.

 

_Even though what happened that night cannot be denied and raced both their hearts: for its realness that both would like to keep and have more._

 

 

 

Ever since that night, Baekhyun had craved Chanyeol’s warm hands to hold his. He had craved to be enveloped, once again, in his utter comforting embrace. To be given a glimpse of what  _could be_  had Baekhyun’s feelings doubly more insufferable.

But after their late afternoon meetup just after that 3am event, Baekhyun remains shy and meek. Remains craving but keeping to himself. Because he can tell that Chanyeol, for some reason, would rather choose to go back to how they were before – distant in physical affection. Like Chanyeol’s act of fondness, almost aching to something like  _love_  – he would like to believe – that Baekhyun surely felt that morning, was nothing more but.. a made up memory.

So even if the feeling is unbearable,  _painful_ , Baekhyun wills himself to stay away and keep distance. The worry of ruining their friendship for what it already is was still the first in his mind.

 

 

Ever since that night, Chanyeol had craved Baekhyun’s warmth against his doubly times more. He wanted nothing more but to bring the smaller man into his arms, encase his hands in his, and just..  _make him his_.

But even if it’s painful, too painful it cracks his heart to, Chanyeol remains distant – far distant than before. Even if the feeling has become intolerable, that the will to give in is already at its brink – Chanyeol remains stubborn.

He refuses. Remains adamant on his decision even after knowing, feeling, that it may all definitely be mutual – keep his feelings to himself.  _He cannot. He must not. He will not_.

 

 _Even if wanted.. so desperately desiring_.

 

 

 

Their late afternoon meetups returned to how they have always been before. Chanyeol waiting for Baekhyun’s booming cheery voice or Baekhyun waiting for Chanyeol’s tall figure appearing from the distance with Bacon by his side. They sit beside each other, back the six, eight inches distance between them. Baekhyun talking about his day – whether it be a complain, a whine, or full of excitement – while Chanyeol listens with a fond smile. Chanyeol telling stories about the days he used to see, or how his days have been when not with the other, while Baekhyun listened and watched Chanyeol with a loving stare – feelings very much transparent if only the blind man could see. And of course, both having their usual deep contemplative conversations that are usually prompted by Baekhyun’s absentminded questions about  _life_.

 

 

Although this time, both are bearing the pain of keeping their feelings to themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

The air remains musk and moist due to the recent storms the past few weeks. It let ups a few days and returns later on, befalling rainfall like it wills no stopping anytime soon. The skies remain covered by dark gray clouds, masking the usual bright sunlight that hits the city on a nice day.

 

Before meeting the blind man, Baekhyun did not mind this weather; loved it, in fact. The sound of rain and thunder on a dim late afternoon was always easing to his nerve-wracked brain filled with worries and misery. Although it doubled the feeling of loneliness in him when he goes home to an empty household, he never minded.

And then he met Park Chanyeol, and what used to be a loved weather is then hated. Because it meant that meetings with the blind man would either be cancelled or cut short. And the last thing Baekhyun wanted these days is to separate with the man he has slowly fallen strongly for.

 

_But loving this weather returns for him, when a new change is made…_

 

 

 

 

On a usual dark cloudy afternoon, weeks after that 3am incident, Baekhyun looks up at the sky. How funny. It’s like the weather is reflecting his own feelings –  _gloomy and in a bit of pain, more even, perhaps_ – he would muse on an almost daily basis since then. Unbeknownst to him that it, too, reflects Chanyeol’s own.

 

They were seated inside the café Chanyeol frequents; the same café that Baekhyun first drew the image of the tall blind man that since then quadrupled in number – filling two whole sketchbooks, now a third.  Seated across each other, they had their usual conversations. Full of laughter like they are alone in their own world without a care of the people around them, engaging in small talks with the staff of the café that Baekhyun is more than delighted to have.

 

 

Ever since the weather had turned gloomy, they started hanging out indoors in this particular café. With neither voicing out that the need to see each other, be with each other, was always on their minds – a new routine is made to accommodate the rainy weather. It was Chanyeol who first suggested it, much to his inner conflict of regret but not. Chanyeol had introduced Baekhyun to the staff then, all of whom knew the blind man like Baekhyun thought the first time he encountered him in this very place. And all were more than happy to have welcomed him as a new friend.

 

Baekhyun felt ecstatic. Aside from meeting new friends, he did not think that meeting these particular people would give him a feeling of overjoyed happiness. Like each of them held a different color of the spectrum to crayon Baekhyun’s gray monochrome life. How odd of it, when his own longtime friends were not able to do just that.

Meeting a very young looking but in fact older than them barista, Minseok, who also apparently owned the café. Then there’s the manager that Baekhyun was familiar with as the person who helped Chanyeol move to a new table that first time, Junmyeon, or Suho, as he would like himself be called. And the tall young waiter he too recognized that helped Chanyeol then that Baekhyun felt jealous of at the moment for attending to the blind man's needs, Sehun.

Maybe it is because he is meeting Chanyeol’s friends that it made Baekhyun’s heart flutter. For this is another step forward to knowing all about Park Chanyeol and being  _a part of his life_. Or perhaps it is because of the kind of unexpected _acceptance_ they made him feel that has made Baekhyun feel far more comfortable than he has ever been around other people.

 

Then there’s Chanyeol, who too felt ecstatic introducing Byun Baekhyun. For the petite young man was a bright sunshine anyone would be proud of. It made his heart equally flutter, for Baekhyun is becoming further part of his life. But it also made it ache for that very fact.

 _Can he, too, be a big part of the other’s life? Too big to dream,_ he would always scold himself.

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you know how to read braille, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked one afternoon. Absently, for that matter, as he did not stop, nor even look up from his drawing of the blind man patting a little boy – one of the boys that bumped into him that one afternoon months ago saying a short hello, even waving to Baekhyun himself that he sent a large smile back.

 

“Braille? Sort of?” Chanyeol answers as he drank from his cup of tea. “I never really fully learned it. I do memorize the letters.. I think.” He smiled in mirth to Baekhyun’s direction, tapping the table lightly as if tapping for every dot of the braille alphabet.

 

Distracted from his drawing, Baekhyun asks in wonder as he watches Chanyeol’s tapping fingers. “Really? Why? Shouldn’t it be a requirement or something?”

 

“Nah,” Chanyeol shakes his head. “With how high-tech today’s technology is? There really isn’t much need of it. There are screen readers and talking smart phones and whatnot, as well as audios for our convenience.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” Baekhyun looks back down to his drawing, flipping the pages to the very last where a separate piece of paper had the braille alphabet printed on. “But you know how to read braille, right?”

 

“Mmm..  _I do_.” Tilting his head, Chanyeol was amused in wonder. “Just don’t rush me, I can’t read braille as fast as pros.” He laughs.

 

With a smile and cheeks tainting pink, for Chanyeol seemed to be looking directly at him, Baekhyun looks back down to continue and finish up his drawing. The messy array of lines of the blind man’s pitch black glasses perched on the bridge of his nose standing out of the colorful life-filled image.

 

 

 

 

 

Like always, they leave late into the night. And even though there aren’t any pretty twinkling stars in the sky that always leaves Baekhyun saddened that their time together is over, the gloomy clouded covered sky saddens him even more.

 

“Take good care of him, Baekhyun.” Suho said with fondness laced in his voice as they stood outside the café to bid them goodbye, Chanyeol having some short chit-chat with Sehun.  _“Be his confidence, not his insecurity.”_  He turns to him, eyes reflecting something Baekhyun can’t quite tell.

 

“Insecurity?” Baekhyun can’t help but ask for he did not understand what the older meant.

 

Suho simply gives him a gentle smile, a knowing look in his eyes that tells he seems to know something Baekhyun does not. But before he was able to question him, Suho bids his goodbyes and Baekhyun moves ahead to walk beside Chanyeol, leaving a quick confused glance at the older who still had that same knowing look.

 

 

 

_What did he mean?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

 _Family_. It is in a family that Baekhyun believes the color of life is supposed to start. It is what makes a home,  _a home_. But Baekhyun’s family is anything _but_ colorful. It is probably the blandest, most boring shade of gray. The most mundane and if at worst, the most _lifeless_ there is in his life.

It wasn’t monochrome per se for the people involved – his parents and relatives. They had joy, their houses filled with laughter and a great amount of glee. Splendors of happiness when they are all gathered for an occasion. But that is them and not Baekhyun.

 

_In his family, Baekhyun feels invisible, unwelcomed, out of place._

 

When Baekhyun is absent – no one notices. When he is present – no one bothers. When Baekhyun is sick or even a simple failure in an exam – no one cares. When he excels, praised to high heavens by the people who admire him and saw someone who is worth – it all falls on deaf ears.

 

When Baekhyun is sad and crying – _broken_ – no one knows. Because _no one ever bothers, no one ever cares_.

 

 

 _Baekhyun’s family is one of the reasons why he exists –_ only exists.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

Unlike before when Baekhyun would walk Chanyeol to his house then separate, then he would walk all the way back to his own home feeling all gloomy for he misses the other – that routine also changes. For a few weeks now, Baekhyun has been spending dinnertime at Chanyeol’s, much to his delight and secretly the blind man’s.

 

It was Kyungsoo who invited him first. Asking a simple  _‘would you like to join us for dinner?’_  on the night of the very same day that stormy early morning he unexpectedly crashed in. And Baekhyun couldn’t really say no, not when Kyungsoo was waiting by the widely opened front door like a  _no_  was never even an option. Not with Bacon staring up at him with her adorable big puppy eyes he had grown to love. Not with Chanyeol’s familiar gentle smile directed at him. More so after taking off his glasses like his clouded glazed irises were directly looking at him with a silent invite of his own.

_And, not when his feelings strongly tell him to stay and not deny himself a little bit of happiness, a little bit of the color Chanyeol experiences on a daily basis, a little bit of self-indulging of more time with the blind man._

 

So he says  _yes_. A calm but cheery  _okay_  leaving his lips that held on a bright smile. And since then, his usual bland gray dinner is spent with a lot of color by his and the other two people’s laughter ringing in the air, as well as Bacon’s food bowl sounding amidst the tinkling of their cutleries. His usual cold lonely dinner, even without his parents on the same table, is now enveloping him with melting warmth.

 

Besides, just like he predicted, his parents couldn’t care any less. For just like always, he returns home with either a cold empty house or their quick glances and uninterested hellos, a welcome was never given. Baekhyun would rather spend dinner with the delicious home cooked meals of Kyungsoo, than the expensive take out dinners his parents usually buy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

The rain drizzled moderately. Chanyeol held the umbrella then, and both he and Baekhyun walked side by side as they both hid under it. Not too far but not too close each other either; just right enough for Baekhyun’s shoulder to press up against Chanyeol’s arm that held the umbrella from time to time.

 

“My parents are having dinner over. I hope you don’t mind.” Chanyeol opened up after a short silence they shared.

 

“Your parents?!” Baekhyun embarrassingly spluttered, heartbeat shooting rapidly in mere seconds. “Oh. Then.. then it’s probably better if I… if I skip.. if I skip dinner t-tonight,” he cursed himself silently for making a mess of his words. Then again, he was flailing inside. _Chanyeol’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Park_ -  and his mind goes haywire at the thought.

 

At the apparent panic in Baekhyun’s voice, Chanyeol could not help but burst out in laughter. His heart swelled with that giddy feeling, giggling inside at the thought of what meeting his parents may mean to the other. _Too soon, perhaps?_

“You can’t, Baek.” He said in mirth, twirling once the umbrella in his hold and splattering droplets in different directions. “They already know you’re joining us.”

 

“B-But—but…” Baekhyun tried to reason and paled at what the other just said. “Th-they… they are expecting me?!”

 

“Yes, Kyungsoo has been talking a lot about you to them.” Chanyeol said in between laughs. “They’ve been dying to meet you.”

 

Rendered speechless, Baekhyun was too stunned to even form a coherent reply or even any possible excuse to decline. So for the rest of the walk to Chanyeol’s place, Baekhyun simply followed absentmindedly, his mind reeling with scenarios and thoughts of meeting Chanyeol’s parents.  _Meeting Park Chanyeol’s parents. Meeting the person he harbors strong feelings for, parents_.

 

 

Meanwhile, Chanyeol just walked in silence with a little grin playing on his face. Baekhyun’s obvious panic was too amusing for him. But in his heart coils worry for that very fact – that it seems meeting his parents was a big deal for the other man and deep down, it was for him too. And it was not supposed to be. It was nothing more but a _friend_ meeting two of the most important people in his life.

 

Nothing more but Byun Baekhyun, the person he can no longer deny he feels strongly for, meeting his father and mother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

It was only once that Baekhyun has met the parents of a partner of his in the many relationships he has had, yet it was enough to leave a deep painful impression. He remembers clearly the disapproving atmosphere that reeked out of the seeming uninterested adults, the judging gazes he received, and the unwelcoming air. He refused to meet any more parents after then, for the experience was too strong of a blow to his already low self-esteem.

Those past memories hit him like an unforgiving storm the second Chanyeol mentioned that he was to be dining with the blind man’s parents that night, replaying the hurt like a broken record. Only one thought reeled in his head: the hope that Mr. and Mrs. Park would not disapprove of him like he felt from that past. Because Baekhyun knew, that any form of rejection for this very occasion will most certainly hurt ten times more.

 

 

Then came the meeting, and Baekhyun was happily introduced by his two friends and what he received next was warmth he never expected.

 

Meeting Mr. and Mrs. Park was nothing like Baekhyun had predicted, nothing like he ever imagined. For as soon as he was introduced by Chanyeol’s voice that seemed to hold a hint of pride, uttering his name with that familiar smile with clouded glazed eyes seeming to look at him, Baekhyun was welcomed with open arms and big tight embraces from both. Even if he remained shy and meek, giving a clumsy formal greeting of his own, all he ever received were crescent smiles from Chanyeol’s mother and a hearty chuckle from his father.

 

“You must be Baekhyun that Kyungsoo loves to talk about. It’s a pleasure to meet you, my boy.” Mr. Park had said, patting his shoulder like he was no stranger.

 

“It’s nice to finally meet another dear friend of Chanyeol’s aside from Kyungsoo.” Mrs. Park said after giving him a warm embrace.

 

“N-Nice to meet you t-too…” Baekhyun was left flustered and stuttering, not used to such a welcoming atmosphere.

 

 _Dear friend_ , she had addressed him – swirled in Baekhyun’s mind. He looks towards Chanyeol, to see if the blind man would deny in any way what is supposedly something so trivial. But instead, he receives nothing but a warm-like stare in those clouded irises of his and with a gentle hand placed on the small of his back. And all these little gestures were somehow enough to mean the whole world to him.

 

 _Dear friend_ , his mind repeats, looking towards Mr. and Mrs. Park who stared at him so.. _warmly_.

 

 

 

 

 

Perhaps it is the atmosphere: Seated around the dining table that is currently filled with a bountiful variety of food with its delicious scent filling the room. Under a bright warm lighting from the simple chandelier above. With the laughter of the people around him ringing in the air as they told their own stories; and just as always, Bacon’s metal bowl clanging as she ate her own meal together with them.

Then there’s also the four of them attending to Baekhyun’s needs, for he was the real guest and not Chanyeol’s parents, so they stated. There was Kyungsoo who relayed to Chanyeol’s parents lively stories from since Chanyeol met him, to the time Kyungsoo met him himself. Then there’s having a fun chat with Mr. Park, his deep laugh bellowing all around the room. There is also Mrs. Park, who attended to his needs just the same as she attended to Chanyeol’s as his mother – a care that undoubtedly melted Baekhyun’s heart. And of course, there is Chanyeol, who would look at his direction every time he speaks; listening attentively like only he exists in his world.

 

So even if the rain started to pour heavy outside, despite the chilly cold of the night, for the nth time since Baekhyun spent dinners at Chanyeol’s – he smiles genuinely, laughs heartily, feels nothing but joy – on a simple evening dinner. And most importantly, he did not feel left out, uninvited, nor out of place. In fact, he felt like he was, for something he had wished for years – surrounded by people who _bothered_ and _cared_.

 

 

 

 

 _Ah, he was right_ – Baekhyun had thought through the night as he watched Mr. and Mrs. Park flirt so sweetly with each other, with Kyungsoo’s gagging noises and Chanyeol’s laughter. It is, _indeed_ , in a family where one’s color in life begins. Chanyeol is surrounded by a spectrum of colors that is merely held by different people.

 

So it doesn’t matter if he’s blind,  _he doesn’t need to see the rainbow to feel them_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

The rains have now subsided after a lengthy dinner; the skies now back to merely pouring light drizzles. The warmth Baekhyun felt envelop him all throughout was still present, the aroma of their meal still lingering in the air – an atmosphere that continues to encase him in melting affection. Kyungsoo had shoed all of them out the kitchen, saying that he will take care of everything and let them all bond to their heart’s content. So while Chanyeol and his father bonded alone together, still seated by the dining table after the meals have been cleared, by the living room, it was Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s mother.

 

They stood by one of the windows, watching the rain outside as they both had a lighthearted chat. And even if Baekhyun still felt shy around her, Mrs. Park never failed to ease his nerves, to welcome him, and to make him feel happy. What he thought would be an awkward chat is anything but.

 

 

“I’m glad Chanyeol met you.” Mrs. Park had said. “It’s been so long since he introduced a friend to us, someone who seems very dear to him, and to see him this happy.”

 

“It hasn’t been long since we met, Mrs. Park.” Baekhyun replied, cheeks faintly tainting pink after hearing how he is addressed as someone apparently special, again.

 

It was not missed by the mother and tugged an amused smile on her lips. “Time doesn’t always matter when fate decides to play around,” she said in mirth, “and please, just call me auntie from now on, Baekhyun.

 

"I would prefer if you drop the formalities,” she added with a chuckle when Baekhyun was about to retort. “You are a friend of both Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, after all.”

 

“Okay.. Auntie,” Baekhyun said meekly, yet sent her a shy smile that held sincerity. He felt himself breathe in relief, perhaps because he is even more assured of the acceptance Chanyeol’s parents were in no doubt showing him. And at Mrs. Park’s next words did Baekhyun feel a rush of unexplainable joy.

 

“Take care of Chanyeol. Could you do that for me?” she tells him, holding his hands in hers as if to emphasize the trust she is giving him.

 

Baekhyun says a soft _‘I will’_ paired with a sun bright smile that contrasted the gloomy rains.

 

 

 

 


	6. Love

  
◄  **Six** ||  _love is a willingness to sacrifice_

 

 

Park Chanyeol was a random stranger Byun Baekhyun first met one late afternoon at the park, seated on the other side of the bench in front of the large oak tree. A man he kindly helped one rainy day; the clear image of his pitch black glasses etched onto his memories. A simple kind man who Baekhyun meets again at some café, learning on that very same day that he is a blinded man and the reason for sparking his inspiration as an artist back to life – filling paper after paper his increasing number of sketchbooks. An admirable man, he later learns, that is able to _live_ despite his disability.

 

That was all months ago, but it was memories that continued to play in Baekhyun’s mind – from the day he first saw him, to the day they introduced each other, to the day Baekhyun began to notice his heart skipping beats – like it was all a mere yesterday.

 

 

Baekhyun lies wide awake on his bed, looking out his window at the starless sky that is still covered with thick gray clouds pouring rain, another sleepless night where he waits to fall asleep. He recounts the days from the time he met Chanyeol – three, four and five months ago.. six it will be in another three weeks’ time. That is five months of a friendship that Baekhyun got a taste of colors, _inking his dull gray monochromatic life with permanent colorful markers_.

 

 

Park Chanyeol is a man of many words – fun and joy, yet also inspirational and motivational – words that continues to add up to Baekhyun’s list of  _‘reasons why I admire Park Chanyeol’_. Talking about anything and everything under the sun like two normal young adults, like not one of them is blind. A man who brought out, for the first time, a deep contemplative Byun Baekhyun, opening up little by little, unbeknownst to himself, who he truly is to someone else.

 

 

A memory of one of their conversations pulls a smile on Baekhyun’s lips. As he listened to the calming sounds of the pouring rain, he wraps himself more under his blanket, nuzzling his face in the softness of his pillow, and breathes a heavy sigh. _I listen, I breathe, I feel_ – he remembers, with Chanyeol’s deep voice slowly lulling him to sleep.

 

 

Park Chanyeol is probably the only one who was able to peel off the many layers of façade Byun Baekhyun had created – pulling out genuine smiles and hauling out genuine loud ringing laughter – etching on permanent memories Baekhyun would not give any second thoughts on keeping.  _No pretend, no made up joys_. And Chanyeol is also the only one, to crack out sadness, tearing sorrows out from his well shielded heart, and setting them free to weigh it amounts lighter than before; giving him many reasons to be happy –  _happiness that is not temporary, not a mask_.

 

That ever since that incident, where Baekhyun unexpectedly appeared in their front porch on a stormy wee morning, he had begun opening up his life that he had always felt shameful of, a life that he always felt he needed to hide.

 

 _‘I am always here to listen, Baekhyun. Always.’_  Chanyeol would say.

After he whines, very much like a young little boy, about his shallow wants that he hid in fear of judgement. All Baekhyun receives are hearty laughter of amusement and big wide grins of delight. And after Baekhyun tells him his heartaches, his anger, his frustrations, the contempt he feels cage his heart. He receives nothing but quiet hums after listening and a squeeze of comfort and assurance to his hand.

 _‘It’s a beautiful day, a smile is always better.’_  Chanyeol would not forget to say when Baekhyun ends up teary-eyed, rough calloused fingers brushing away his tears and with that familiar warm gentle smile.

 

 

Despite the chilly air of the rain that seeps through the cracks of his closed window, Baekhyun falls asleep blanketed in more warmth of the image of Chanyeol’s clouded glazed irises staring back at him. He falls into a peaceful, delightful slumber with the only memory of Chanyeol’s arms around him, holding him tight against his body, like he is Chanyeol’s and Chanyeol is his.

 

 

 

 

_Park Chanyeol is an ordinary blinded man that a simple Byun Baekhyun fell in love with one late afternoon of his once monochrome life._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

It was a breezy night where rain clouds continue to loom up above, keeping the sky covered of its twinkling stars and bright moon. After dinner, Chanyeol, just as always, sees Baekhyun out the door to bid him  _goodnight_  and a  _see you tomorrow_.

 

“Thanks for dinner, Yeol.” Baekhyun says cheerily as he stepped out to the front porch. A laugh escaping his lips as he waves goodbye to Bacon whose tail was wagging lively behind her like she so very much wanted to follow.

 

“You’re always welcome.” Chanyeol said as he trailed behind, closing the front door with an always skipping heart beat when he hears the pleasant sound of Baekhyun’s joy. “Seems the rains won’t be going away anytime soon,” he comments as a distraction to his own feelings, for he had always run away from them.

 

“Mmm, rainy season after all.” Tapping one of the front porch’s columns, Baekhyun simply takes his time to admire the handsome man in front of him. “The rain seems to have stopped for now though, maybe later it’ll pour again.” He lets out a dreamy sigh as he leans on the column beside him.

 

“Yeah, I don’t hear anything, just the winds blowing the leaves.” Chanyeol tilts his head to listen to his surroundings.

 

All is quiet after, with only the rustling of leaves following the chilly breeze of the night the sounds they hear, as Chanyeol had said.

 

Baekhyun continues to admire him; the blind man with eyes looking down listening attentively to his surroundings, hands in his pockets standing tall and still. Wind rustling his jet-black hair ever so gently, locks shining from the yellow lights of the porch. In an absentminded daze, Baekhyun hums his favorite tune. And his smile widens when Chanyeol slowly looks up to his direction, closed-lip smile of his own blooming to a lovely grin.

 

Following the light tapping sounds, Chanyeol too is left in an equal absentminded daze. He walks – step by little step until he holds a hand out, feeling around until he finally feels the upright column – tapping sounds that increased in volume, stops. And Chanyeol need not move further, for he felt his other hand be enveloped in warmth of the other.

 

Stepping away from the column, Baekhyun moves closer to Chanyeol, interlacing their hands gazing up the man and to his clouded glazed irises that never failed to mesmerize him. Out of feeling hypnotized at the eyes that seem to be looking at his own, he places his other hand on the tall man’s chest, coincidentally just above Chanyeol’s beating heart. He felt it pound in fast beats against his palm; faint, but there. And he feels his own heart race just the same.

 

Time seems to have stopped still in that moment, both unaware of their actions and all an unconscious act as they finally allow their hearts to control their minds. Their smiles fade as their breaths gets closer, leaving their lips just a mere inch away.

 

 

 

After months of denying himself, weeks of controlling the desire he had desperately wanted to give in, Chanyeol cups Baekhyun’s face with his free hand. His thumb feels around, a gentle touch from Baekhyun’s cheek down to the curve of his lips. He traces his bottom lip, soft against the pad of his fingertip. And after a silent inhale, without a single hesitancy, Chanyeol leans in to press his lips against Baekhyun’s. He exhales a quiet sigh at the contact as he feels _the reality of what was once a fantasy_.

 

Closing his eyes, Baekhyun lets the feeling of lips against his sink in. There were no fireworks like the movies he watched like to describe. There were no sparks like he felt when their skins touch, no electricity running through his body. What he feels is different,  _far greater than any word or metaphor could describe_.

 

It was chaste, yet it was also as passionate as a kiss can be. The light press of lips deepens in a few beats of a second, now moving against each other. Not a moment later a shy play of tongues begins. They break the kiss but then they continue; break again but leans for another. Separating was the last thought in their minds, hazed by the slow intimacy they are engaged in at the moment.

Their hands remain interlaced, fingers clasping tightly each other’s – a seeming like symbol to the bond they would like to keep permanent. Baekhyun’s free hand remains placed above the other’s chest with Chanyeol’s rapidly beating heart, clutching the fabric of his shirt as he steps as close as he can. Chanyeol’s free hand remains cupped on Baekhyun’s face, thumb caressing his cheek that is tainted mad red if he could see, pulling Baekhyun against him as close as he can be.

 

It is only minutes later that they separate, yet not fully and only leaving a mere centimeter between. Their eyes barely flutter open as Chanyeol breathes deeply the sweet scent of Baekhyun, as Baekhyun bites his lips savoring the moment.

 

But all is not enough for Chanyeol, for he leans in again to leave a sweet long steady kiss. This time, when they separate, Chanyeol leaves only enough for their lips to leave fleeting touches to each other’s, for he would like this moment to stay as is, perhaps an impossible forever.

 

Time is on a standstill around them, letting their hearts be encased in the _love_ both have greatly felt for each other. Minds blanketed in a haze of swirling thoughts of one another, of the kiss they just had. Bodies enveloped in melting warmth of their presence.

 

Chanyeol is the first to snap out from it all when he fully opens his eyes and sees..  _nothing_. For one last time – his mind tells him, his heart scolds – he leans in for another kiss. Then he moves up, lips leaving sweet pecks to Baekhyun’s nose up to his forehead, where he presses a kiss for a long time like he refuses to part. And in the silence of rustling leaves and breezy winds, three barely audible words he says in a whisper that to Baekhyun’s ears were nothing but a silent hum of delight.

 

 

When Baekhyun bids goodnight, a big wide grin, crescent eyes, and lovely red tainting his cheeks permanently etched on his features, Chanyeol does not say goodnight. As Baekhyun leaves their lot, Chanyeol listens to his footsteps – the sound of his shoes down at every step, then tapping their stony path then to the sound of their little gate opening and closing. He listens attentively as Baekhyun’s footsteps become fainter and fainter until it is overridden by the rustling of the wind.

 

_For every step he hears, his heart cracks._

 

 

 

 

 

Things have yet to fall into place, but it all falls apart unpredictably one night. For the kiss they just shared, their first, sets the two in a whirlwind of feelings, slamming both back to a reality they both desire but one unsure.

 

Baekhyun says  _goodnight_  with a sweet  _see you tomorrow_ , with a giggling heart of indescribable happiness.

 

Chanyeol says  _you too_  with a bittersweet  _goodbye_ , crying inside as his heart stumbles in constricting pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 _I love you_ , Chanyeol whispered. But  _I must not_ , his heart scolded.

 

 

 

 


	7. Pain

 

◄  **Seven** ||  _behind every beautiful thing,_ _there is some kind of pain_

 

 

A thousand prickling needles it is like to feel pain. Sometimes, it is too much, too unbearable. Questioning oneself when it will all end, when it will subside and disappear. Be replaced by ease and relief. Be forgotten, like it was never there. Sometimes it leaves scars – faint or visible, big or small. And whether it is physical pain of wounds or emotional pain of heartache, it all feels the same –  _stinging, unpleasant, aching_.

 

However, unlike physical pain,  _emotional pain hurts a thousand times more_.

 

 

Baekhyun has been wounded many times in his life. It is inevitable and a part of living after all. He has a few scars, almost invisible but there. And it’s all okay. He prefers feeling this more than anything else because Baekhyun knows the pain is momentary. Whether it be big or small, shallow or deep, leaves a scar or two – it is okay.  _Because he knows it will always, always eventually go away, and the pain he once felt, forgotten_.

 

Emotional pain, on the other hand…

 

Many times has Baekhyun been hurt. Many times has he felt his heart ache in almost squeezing like pain. Like it is being literally hammered down by a big heavy rock, left there and leaving a heavy weight on his chest. Sometimes it fades away and disappears like it was never there. Sometimes the pain is left sitting, like it has no intentions to leave. Sometimes it fades over time or disappears in a matter of seconds. Sometimes he forgets, replaced by a happy happening.

But unlike physical pain that disappears completely until a new wound is made,  _the pain of the memories returns,_ like the pass of time does not matter, never did _._

When the memory is bitter, full of anger and hurt – the pain returns like it never left. Constricting his heart and leaving him weak and vulnerable. When the memory is regretful, full of remorse and guilt – the pain returns with a heavy reminder. Coiling his being of the memories he thought he had forgotten. And all of it Baekhyun has kept inside himself, under the many layers of bright colorful facades he has created.

 

 

 

 

_Pain, to Baekhyun, is his only sign of living, not simply existing._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

The leaves rustle as the wind blows light breeze. The skies slowly clearing as the days passes, still pouring rains every now and then, but no longer rough and violent like the past stormy weeks. The park has yet to return to its usual lively state. It still remains serene, with people choosing to stay indoors still and the playground remains almost empty. But only one remains the same, a constant scene at the park for the last four days in the late afternoon.

 

In front of the large Oak tree, a lone figure sits by the bench. Even if the rain pours heavily, holding his umbrella, he is there. Even when the park is ghostly empty, leaving him by himself with not a single sign of life nearby, he is there. Staying until the evening arrives and lampposts begin to flicker their lights.  _He is there, always there – waiting_. The only time he leaves is hours later into the night after a deep heavy sigh.

 

Every day, Baekhyun would trace his lips with his fingers and replays the kiss he had with Chanyeol. When he closes his eyes, he remembers Chanyeol’s hand on his face, his lips on his forehead. When he intertwines his hands together, he remembers the feeling of Chanyeol’s fingers interlaced with his. When chilly winds breezes past, he remembers the warmth of Chanyeol’s presence and misses it, far too much it hurts.

 

Baekhyun remembers it all –  _vivid and clear_ – like time had not past.

 

Every night when he goes back home feeling even lonelier and more empty, he thinks of how far more plain his life had become with Chanyeol’s sudden absence. When he thought he could finally start seeing a spectrum of colors, it was all taken away and the monochrome grays of his life got impossibly duller. When he had finally found out that Chanyeol _definitely_ feels the same way, it was all taken back like a cruel trick of love.

 

 _It hurts_. By far the most painful he had ever felt. To be given hope yet have it taken away far too soon.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the fifth day and Baekhyun is yet again seated by the bench, waiting. His umbrella by his side in case it rains, no longer forgotten like what used to. His eyes never leave the path to Chanyeol’s home, only looking away once in a while to look around his dull surroundings.

 

Everything is different, he realizes the past few days, without Chanyeol by his side. Everything feels..  _lifeless_.

 

Droplets of rain began to pour, light and almost unfeeling. Baekhyun looks up at the sky, amused at the peeking blues from the light grays of the rain clouds that loomed above. He smiles then, bittersweet as he muses in silence. Watches as the gray clouds move smooth and swift, keeping its tranquility. This time, he doesn’t bother opening his umbrella and lets the rain kiss his face.

 

Clutching his chest above his heart, Baekhyun feels it beat. He remembers the feeling of Chanyeol’s own pounding heart under the palm of his hand. Another vivid memory, another heartache.

 

 

Baekhyun likes the rain. The sounds are calming, his surroundings peaceful amidst the visible pour. But it also reflects his emotions – sad and heavy.  _A chaos of sorrow hidden behind serenity_. It hides his tears – tears of pain that streak down his face, mixing in with the streaks of rain. Making it appear that the smile he had was just that –  _a pretty smile_.

 

 

Wiping his tears, even though it’s all hidden by the rain, Baekhyun stays. He doesn’t leave, he doesn’t move,  _he simply stays_. Even as the rain slowly drenches him, he does not bother. Even when the rain gets heavier by the minute, he doesn’t even think of standing or opening his umbrella to shield him.

The hope is still there, his mind reeling with every possible excuse, every plausible scenario that would lead Chanyeol to have to skip their late afternoon meetups, enough to not leave him even a short message. That maybe, just maybe, if he waits a little more, a tall figure with his caramel colored dog, familiar pitch black glasses hiding blinded eyes, would appear. That if he waits just a bit more, he would finally see Chanyeol again.

 

 _Just a little more time_ , Baekhyun tells himself every day.

 

But hours pass and still no tall figure, still no pitch black glasses in view. And always, with one last look at the path Chanyeol takes, then dimmed by the darkness of the evening, Baekhyun leaves. The joy of the memory of their first kiss slowly turns to a painful heartache of what once was, what could have been. Clouding him of what used to be full of love, but now with regret. For Baekhyun could not help but think that that was a kiss goodbye, not a kiss of what he thought was a beginning of a secretly dreamed commitment.

 

That for every day that passes, Baekhyun’s hope of seeing Chanyeol again, diminishes.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

On the seventh day that Chanyeol does not appear on a late afternoon, Baekhyun gives up waiting. After two hours of sitting lonely at the bench, of watching the people roam by, of looking at the sky to watch the clouds loom pass or the branches of the large oak tree sway – Baekhyun gets up and leaves. After nearly a week of waiting, holding on to the last string of hope, Baekhyun finally decides to take the path he only watched for the last seven days.

 

On the contrary, Baekhyun does not hurry; his pace slow and patient. Evening had yet to come and the rush of time was the least of his worries. He muses, with the first genuine smile he had mustered for the whole past week, as he looked at his surroundings while he walks the path to Chanyeol’s home; noticing what he had not before for he was far more focused and distracted with the blind man by his side.

 

There were flowers left and right of the streets. From giant trees that showered falling leaves, to small bushes with drooping perennials. All of it coloring the otherwise dull street of grays and dirty whites. And despite the dark weather they had for the past weeks, it never stopped the spectrum of color from painting and leaving its joyful touches.

 

 _Beautiful_ , was the only word that Baekhyun could think of as he looked around him.

 

Only a few cars pass by Chanyeol’s street. Most that Baekhyun encounters this afternoon were people on bikes and most walking with their umbrellas due to the drizzling rain. Once again, Baekhyun could not help his blooming smile. For the bikes that passed by ranged in colors of reds and blues; little cute honks from the bikes of children that bathed under the pouring sky with obvious faces of joy and laughter. The umbrellas that people held crayoned in rainbows of bright neon pinks and greens and even polka dotted dots and stripes.

 

 _Life_ , was another word that Baekhyun thought as he opened his own umbrella, twirling it as he joined in and added his yellow colored one to the painting of colors as he walked down the gray graveled street.

 

A simple medium sized bungalow house painted in an off-whitish color came into view. It standing in the middle of two other simple houses painted in dark maroon and the other light brown. The bungalow’s stony orange path and white picket fence standing out amidst the colorful surroundings of flowers and greens.

Baekhyun stopped walking for a moment as he mused once again with a heart now weighed with enlightenment.

 

Park Chanyeol lives in a world full of color, surrounded by all of these trivial things that Baekhyun had always wished he had. But the man is blind and not able to see. That unlike Baekhyun who can see every single detail of his surroundings – Chanyeol sees none. Yet even then, Chanyeol is still able to  _live_ , not simply  _exist_.

 

 _How could have Baekhyun been so blind? The spectrum of life has always surrounded him. It was always there, it never left. It was only_ he _who chose not to see._

 

 _Byun Baekhyun is the real blind man, not Park Chanyeol_.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

With fidgeting fingers, Baekhyun stood restless at the porch of the house he admired not long ago while he listened to the doorbell ring inside. And he could not help the tugging he felt in his chest as the sounds of Bacon’s familiar welcoming barks echoed through the front door. He did not know what to expect. Did not know what to do or say. The only thought in his mind is Park Chanyeol and his clouded glazed eyes.

 

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo greets after he opens the door. No surprise, just an odd warm welcoming smile. “Didn’t think it’d take you a week…” he chuckles as he murmured.

 

“I’m sorry?” Baekhyun asks for he did not understand the mumbled words; although, he was immediately distracted as Bacon came wagging her tail violently that her body follows as she welcomed him in delightedly. Swelling Baekhyun’s heart with joy he hadn’t realized he had missed so much the past week. Even more at the thought that Bacon knew it was  _him_  behind the front door. “Hey, Bacon~” he laughs and cuddles the caramel colored dog he had missed a ton.

 

“Come in.” Opening wider the front door, Kyungsoo guides Baekhyun in. He, too, joyed for he had missed this bright sunshine of a friend.

 

 

 

 

Ushered to the living room to have a seat Baekhyun made his way in looking around in search for any sign of the blind man’s presence. But minutes pass as he waited for Kyungsoo until he came back with two cups of tea in his hands, and more minutes passes as they shared silence – _there is still no Chanyeol_.

 

It takes the rain to start pouring heavier that Baekhyun questions the blind man’s whereabouts. A little mumble of almost inaudible yet uncontrolled desperation seeping through his words of  _‘Chanyeol?’_. It tugs a smile on Kyungsoo’s face, who had been watching Baekhyun the entire time. Amused to see his friend’s eyes not leave the sight of the door of Chanyeol’s bedroom just across. Relieved to know that Baekhyun does _indeed_ miss Chanyeol, a contrary to what the blind man believed and told him.

 

“Chanyeol is not here,” Kyungsoo tells him, placing his cup of tea down after he saw Baekhyun visibly deflate at his words after fidgeting in his seat.

 

“Oh..” is all Baekhyun was able to say. “I.. I see.”

 

“He is at his parents’, if you’re wondering where he is.” Kyungsoo continues with a growing smile as he observed Baekhyun’s every reaction, every fleeting emotion, “went there a few days after your last visit.”

 

“P-Parents? Oh.” Baekhyun feels his chest ache, of confusion and dread. _Was Chanyeol avoiding him?_ “Did something happen?”

 

Baekhyun’s sadness and worry was apparent, and Kyungsoo could not help but feel a tad bit happy over it.

 

“ _You_ , happened,” Kyungsoo stated frankly, catching the other off guard who looked at him mystified.

 

“M-Me?”

 

As Baekhyun began to panic, as apparent on his wordless stuttered non-sense speech and big wide eyes, Kyungsoo bursts out laughing. “Chanyeol wasn’t kidding when he said you can be damn adorable.” He said in mirth that caused Baekhyun’s cheeks to flush beet red.

 

“What did I.. what did _I_ do?” Baekhyun frenzied as he dug his memory of the past events for any sigh he might have missed. Their kiss is what comes first, and the fear of what could have been indeed a goodbye grew tenfold. _Was that it?_

 

 

Kyungsoo could see the fear in how Baekhyun tightened his hold on his cup, how he began to visibly shaken in his seat and how his eyes started to water. But instead of feeling pity, Kyungsoo felt quite relieved, quite happy.

When Kyungsoo first saw Baekhyun through the window one evening, standing outside their picket fence as he watched Chanyeol walk to their front porch, waited for the blind man to disappear inside their home before he finally leaves –  _he doubted their friendship_ – even after they have officially met and the joy both felt in each other’s presence was apparent. When Kyungsoo began to see signs that Baekhyun was slowly falling for his blind friend, fleeting unmistakable emotions reflecting in his actions –  _he doubted his sincerity_. Even when things have become clear: evident feelings between each other  _deeper_  and unfolding in front of his eyes.  _Kyungsoo had done nothing but brush it all off as mere short-lived infatuation and simple curiosity_.

It could not be helped. Not when Park Chanyeol is a blind man who was left by many for that very reason. Not when his clouded glazed eyes became a source of fear, with his incapability a usual cause of the pity he almost always receives. Not when his disability is automatically taken as a sign that Chanyeol is far less incapable than those with vision; receiving demeaning remarks that are sometimes unintentional yet hurtful, with the belief that a blind is completely dysfunctional without a guide. _That one cannot at all stand alone_. So Kyungsoo could not help it to find it hard to trust the people around his blinded friend. Neither could he blame Chanyeol’s own mistrust, the fear he knew has always been embedded in him since he lost his eyesight.

But Byun Baekhyun proves him otherwise time and time again. Showing his sincere genuine _love_ towards Park Chanyeol for every action, every watchful eye, every smile, and every word he utters. And Kyungsoo saw it most when Baekhyun would look into his blind friend's eyes seeming captivated, fascinated, nothing but utter mesmerized of what is usually seen as fearing ghostly irises.

 

 

“ _Insecurity_ , Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo finally spoke after a long moment of silence.

 

“Insecurity?”

 

"Yes, insecurity..  _fear_."

 

“You mean.. Chanyeol?” Baekhyun was confused. “I don’t understand.”

 

“Baekhyun, _Chanyeol is blind_.” Kyungsoo explains, patient with a warm smile. “It is inevitable for him to feel insecure, perhaps far more than you and I ever could.”

 

“I know, but..” still unable to understand, Baekhyun just stares at Kyungsoo searching for more answers. And he is reminded of Junmyeon’s words of _being his confidence and not his insecurity_ , was that what the older meant? But he is also reminded of their conversations, how Chanyeol gave him deep admirable answers. “But I thought—” Baekhyun looks away to the window, watching as the rain poured amidst the setting sky, “—I always thought Chanyeol embraced his blindness.”

 

“He does.” Kyungsoo says. “He has learned to over the years since he lost it.

 

“But then _you_ came along, and he can’t help but feel afraid, doubting himself because he is one blind man.”

 

When Baekhyun looks back, Kyungsoo gives him a bittersweet smile. Bacon joins in in their little chat, laying down just beside his feet for a nap.

 

“You know, when he first lost his eyesight, he was angry – angry at himself, angry at everything around him. And he was afraid, very afraid. For your eyesight to be taken away from you, for you to know that from then on you would no longer be able to see the world around you..

 

_"It was hard for him.”_

 

Baekhyun was gripping the cup in his hands so tight as a surge of pain hit him, and noticing this, Kyungsoo gently takes it away and placed comforting hands over his.

 

“He once told me, _‘I am no longer like you. I am now blind and useless’_.”

 

Tears began to flow down Baekhyun’s face. But like earlier, instead of feeling pity, Kyungsoo felt more.. happy. To see once more such genuine emotions from _the person who most definitely shared_ _sincere feelings for his blind friend_. He brushes away the tears that continue to fall after Baekhyun made a little sob.

 

“Yes, he may have learned to embrace his blindness, but the fear he has cannot be taken away. _Chanyeol has always been afraid of falling in love_. Because deep down, he believes he is no longer worth anything.

 

_"And then you, Baekhyun, came into his life.”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like the continuous pouring sky, Baekhyun’s tears continue to flow. Kyungsoo has now left him to his own thoughts. And as he listened to the pattering rain drops, he felt his heart patter in pain as he lets Kyungsoo’s words sink in.

 

Park Chanyeol is a blinded man a simple Byun Baekhyun admired. For his words, his actions, his joy and his view in life, send forth motivations and inspirations – _a will to start living and not simply exist_ – to a person like him. The very reason why he fell in love and saw passed the man’s disability.

But unlike Baekhyun, who can easily crayon his view with colors at any given moment, Chanyeol cannot. Unlike Baekhyun, who can see the world in bright spectrums, Chanyeol cannot. So it should not be surprising, it should have been expected, that a man like Park Chanyeol, who may live life in lovely rainbows, _can also live in monochrome_.

 

 

 

 


	8. Life

 

◄  **Eight** ||  _everything in your life is a reflection_ _of a choice you have made._

 

 

 _Life_ , for Byun Baekhyun, had always been plain. It has always been dull and lifeless; made up of mostly black and white monochrome. There was never a spectrum of colors upon colors. Perhaps a few reds, blues, greens and yellows, but no matter how bright the color is, no matter how vivid it begins – it will always fade to nothing but its dimmest shade.

 

 _And at the end of every day, it returns to nothing but boring gray_.

 

Then he meets Park Chanyeol. A simple blinded man who somehow held a significant prism; reflecting his life an overwhelming spectrum all at once that stayed for days on end – _vibrant and spirited_. Painting it in its brightest, most radiant colors he has ever seen, he has ever felt.

 

But in his absence, Baekhyun realizes something he had always failed to see.

 

For all the years he lived simply _existing_ , he held what he adamantly believed was but a blank white canvas. Waiting for the day it will be painted and finally give him a reason to _live_. But beyond his little canvas was actually a broad spectrum and his blank space was merely waiting for Baekhyun _himself_ to fill. He was simply far too blinded and focused on that small piece he thought was everything.

 

 

 _Baekhyun is an artist, who_ chose _to live his life in monochrome._

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

 

After having that talk with Kyungsoo, Baekhyun thought that the truth behind Chanyeol’s sudden leave would weigh him. On the contrary, he felt lighthearted, far more carefree. For in this time of the blind man’s absence had Baekhyun gained something that began to fill his once empty heart whole.

 

Another week passes and Chanyeol had yet to return from his parents back to his quaint home with Kyungsoo. That is another week of missing Chanyeol. But unlike the days where he sat moping, hopelessly waiting by their bench in front of the large Oak tree, Baekhyun’s routine of having dinner at Chanyeol’s home resumed. Although unlike before when he would go straight to the park after school, he now goes straight to the homey house he was gladly welcomed back in.

Sometimes, on a lovely day as the skies began to clear, Kyungsoo would invite Baekhyun to have a walk around the neighborhood. They would pass by the park that has started to come back to life, basking in the warmth of the sunlight as Baekhyun skipped puddles and Kyungsoo sang songs. They would take rests at the café where he and Chanyeol used to frequent. And they were always welcomed with bright cheery greetings, enjoying a little snack as they talked with friends during their short breaks.

 

 _He was happy_. Baekhyun has never felt so genuinely happy than he had ever been before. With the heavy weight of a mask he always wore, that only Chanyeol was once able to see through, was now slowly being peeled off. In the presence of his new friends, Baekhyun never thought he would find pieces of him.

 

Today, when he looks around the park, now with lush green grass and big puffy trees, when he passes the streets lined with blooming flowers and falling petals, Baekhyun _breathes_ in the scent of morning dew. When he hears Kyungsoo’s laughter mixing in with the voices of Suho, Minseok and Sehun’s as they each tell their stories, Baekhyun _listens_ with a smile. And when they return home to Kyungsoo’s house, with Bacon pouncing on him with a delighted bark, Baekhyun grins as he embraces her and _feels_ that pleasant warmth.

 

So Baekhyun may miss Chanyeol, quite very much so. But the presence of Kyungsoo and Bacon and their friends at the café were enough to make up for it. In fact, in the sketchbook he dropped for a while after Chanyeol left without warning, was now being filled again but of more drawings aside from his usual subjects of pitch black glasses and caramel colored dogs. Of course, Baekhyun remains hoping, bearing the heartache of missing Chanyeol with endless wishes of seeing him again. But perhaps he needed this distance, for him to finally find the colors he had been searching for years.

 

 _Living_ , he has now begun to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

It takes one more week before Chanyeol finally comes back, with the skies now clear and the sun all up.

 

 

 

 

It was some time after lunch when Baekhyun was asking Kyungsoo for advice in the subject he had finally chosen for his individual exhibit that Bacon, who was napping just by his side, suddenly sprang into a run across the hallway. She barked and whined and stood up on two feet, with a lively wagging tail and pawing the front door as she seemed to know there was someone outside. Kyungsoo had then also left his side.

 

If it was a stranger, Bacon would usually be indifferent, but clearly it wasn’t and Baekhyun felt his heart stop at the thought of who it could be.

 

Kyungsoo opened the door to two people, with Bacon immediately pouncing on a tall man who crouched down with a laugh at the greeting he received.

 

At the sight of Chanyeol he hadn’t seen for quite some time, hearing his deep voice and bellowing laughter, Baekhyun felt his heart pound. A rush of emotions hit him, that familiar weight of love that never decreased, not one bit, even after three long weeks of not seeing him.

 

Greetings were exchanged and Baekhyun felt envious; a coil in his chest as he saw how Chanyeol gave Kyungsoo a big embrace with a big wide grin to match. He wanted to cry his name, to let him know of his presence, to perhaps run into his arms like he had always wished. But instead he stood frozen.

 

 

“Mom, why didn’t you tell me you were bringing me back here?” Chanyeol asked, completely unware of Baekhyun who stood at the end of the hallway.

 

“Because if I did, you wouldn’t agree, am I right?” Mrs. Park gave Baekhyun a smile like she knew he would be present. “Besides, isn’t there someone you have been missing?”

 

“Can’t I stay with you and dad a little longer?” Chanyeol turned away from his mother’s voice, patting Bacon off of him like he suddenly wants to get away.

 

“I’m hurt, Chanyeol. You don’t like living with me now?” Kyungsoo joins in. “Don’t you miss having dinners here? Bacon misses your walks to the park.”

 

“You know it’s not that,” is all Chanyeol says after sighing. His mood obviously dampened as he lowered his head.

 

 

That is all it took for all the hope Baekhyun had to vanish. It hurt, far too much the pain felt physical. To see how it seemed Chanyeol was trying to avoid the subject they were obviously hinting. _Did Chanyeol not miss him? What they had, does Chanyeol regret those?_

 

Perhaps the hurt in his eyes became too apparent that Mrs. Park simply shook her head and Kyungsoo gave him a little smile. And their once subtle hints became direct.

 

“Chanyeol, you know you can’t run away forever.” She chastised. “Don’t you think Baekhyun would be looking for you?”

 

“He misses you, you know?” Kyungsoo tells him, laying a hand on Chanyeol’s now clenched fist. “And as opposed to what you told me, he did come looking for you. You just left too soon.”

 

“Isn’t it better this way?” Chanyeol’s voice wavered. _“He deserves better._

 

_Someone who isn’t blind. Someone not me.”_

 

These words that Chanyeol had uttered hurt Baekhyun twice more. Again, he wanted to cry – but to tell him all the things he _must_ hear, all the things Baekhyun _wanted_ him to hear. But all he was able to say is a croaked call of his name.

 

 

“Chanyeol?”

 

At a voice that sounded broken, something Chanyeol knew very well was distinctly Baekhyun’s, he turned frozen to its direction. And when he felt a hand on his arm, a gentle touch of something also very familiar, with a voice that called out to him once more but now directly in front of him, he felt his heart stop in its beats.

 

 

Both were left wordless. With Chanyeol utterly surprised of the presence he never expected, and with Baekhyun who had clearly heard what he just said. This is where the other two took the cue to leave.

 

“Fix this, Chanyeol,” his mother told him.

 

“Give him a chance. Give _yourself_ a chance.” Kyungsoo said before following Mrs. Park with Bacon in tow.

 

 

Not much was said when they were finally left alone. They merely stood frozen, sharing a silence for a moment that felt like long heavy hours. Yet soon the familiarity they felt in each other’s presence slowly settled in between them.

 

Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol, a face he had missed far too much in the weeks that passed, who lowered his head like he was ashamed of something – perhaps of his absence, the words he had said, or maybe of something else. “Why?” was all he was able to utter.

 

Chanyeol said nothing in return. But he lifted his head up and stared at him too – but not. His blinded eyes looking at Baekhyun’s direction yet lost for his loss of sight. It was the answer to his question, and it stung Baekhyun’s heart in pain, with Kyungsoo’s words replaying in his memory and connecting it to what he had heard not too long ago.

 

_His blindness, his insecurities._

 

Hesitant yet gentle hands cupped his face; thumbs began caressing his cheeks so softly like the man was handling something so delicate. Baekhyun felt tears form in his eyes when Chanyeol’s fingers began tracing his features – from the corner of his eyes, to the bridge of his nose, to the outline of his lips – telling him that _Chanyeol missed him too_. But the sting in his heart multiplied even more, when he noticed Chanyeol’s blinded sight went past him. Baekhyun placed his own hands atop Chanyeol’s and leaned into his hold, squeezing them as a form of his own reply – of comfort and assurance – _that he never left and he was there, with him_.

 

“Take me to the park?” Chanyeol said oh so softly the fear he felt was showing.

 

Baekhyun wanted to retaliate. To cry out all the words he had been meaning to say. But this is the first time he had seen the blind man so unlike himself, suddenly _so_ _lost_ and _so_ _vulnerable_. So instead he agrees with a quiet _okay_ ; receiving a silent permission to go from Mrs. Park and Kyungsoo. Although before they made their leave, Baekhyun interlaced his hand with Chanyeol’s. And he felt relieved, a little spark of joy, when Chanyeol tightened his hold instead of shaking it free.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

This time there was no caramel colored dog. This time it was only Chanyeol and Baekhyun. And for the first time Chanyeol did not have his pitch black glasses to hide his blindness. But even if his head was lowered to the ground as they walked, perhaps to hide his clouded glazed eyes, he was still the one leading with Baekhyun merely guiding him away from the people they passed. It brought a smile on Baekhyun’s lips because it proved to him once more how Chanyeol, despite his disability, can still somehow live like someone who can see.

 

The entire time Baekhyun watches him: when Chanyeol turned his head to the direction of the bakery with the lingering scent of fresh baked goodies; when Chanyeol stopped for a moment by the playground, tilting his head to the sound of the children squealing as they played; when Chanyeol extended his arm for his other hand to brush against the bushes they passed on the last turn. And Baekhyun’s smile blooms far brighter, tightening the hold in his hand and walking closer beside the man he loved very dearly.

 

 

They stopped exactly in front of the bench they claimed as theirs.

 

 

“Can you guide me to the tree behind?” Chanyeol finally spoke.

 

Baekhyun followed.

 

After a touch to the rugged trunk of the big Oak tree, Chanyeol spoke again. “There is a row of trees behind this, right? If we walk past that you will hopefully find a path. Follow it. Just follow it until the end.”

 

Without needing to be told twice, Baekhyun did just that. Now it was he who was leading. Going through the line of trees and into a little forest he knew existed but never bothered going beyond. He found the path that Chanyeol had said, barely visible amidst the dead leaves and dirt soil. The end of it wasn’t too far up ahead, with a glow of what Baekhyun presumes is sunlight beaming across a clearing.

 

When they reached the end of the path, however, what Baekhyun sees is something he had _never_ expected nor even imagined. He gasped so loud it elicited a laugh from Chanyeol.

 

The dirt path turn into stony stairs that led them to the bottom of the hill. Amidst the greens and browns of nature mixed a spectrum of color that all shined under the bright rays of the sun. Baekhyun had to focus on guiding Chanyeol down every step or they would both be tumbling.

 

When they reached the bottom Baekhyun was left utterly mesmerized, speechless of something so beautiful and too picturesque. And when the wind blew and the trees showered their color, Baekhyun let go of Chanyeol’s hand to make a spontaneous spin of glee with a laugh that was filled with pure joy.

 

“Can you describe to me—” Chanyeol said with the first smile on his lips Baekhyun had seen since they reunited, “—what you see?"

 

With a voice very much apparent of the awe he felt, Baekhyun began. “There are purple trees and purple bushes. There are yellow and orange flowers, reds and whites and pinks. _They’re everywhere_.

 

“The lake: it’s clear and blue, sparkling and calm. There’s a small wooden bridge to the other side too, with a tree like the one behind our bench at the park.

 

"And the ground, it’s covered of fallen colorful flowers.” Baekhyun’s voice softens but the smile in it never disappears. “And every time the wind blows, even if it’s gentle, the whole place still rains with color.

 

_"It’s beautiful, Chanyeol.”_

 

 

“So it’s still the same.”

 

The smile Chanyeol had when Baekhyun looked back had turned bittersweet.

 

“I used to always go here. Not many people are aware of this place because it’s so hidden. Most probably think the park ends by the forest.” Chanyeol began to explain. “I walk down the steps, sit underneath a tree and read a book, or maybe even lay down by the lake to take a nap. _This was my sanctuary, my safe haven_. Even when it’s not blooming season, even when everything are just plain, I would still go here. I would go here when I’m happy, go here when I’m angry, when I’m sad, or even when I feel lost.”

 

Chanyeol loses his smile. _“That was years ago. I stopped the moment I lost my eyesight.”_

 

“It took me a year before I could stand back on my own two feet. I had to force myself to stop moping on something I can never have again. To accept I will never see this place anymore. It took me a while to start adjusting to the new lifestyle I have no choice but to live with from then on. It took me many trips to the park with someone by my side to finally map the whole place and memorize each step.

 

_“And it hurts, to keep this place a secret because I remain selfish.”_

 

Tears begin to fall from Chanyeol’s eyes; his voice broken as he poured out his heart.

 

“I never wanted Bacon, to be honest. I asked them to take away any obvious sign that she was supposed to be a guide dog. I refuse to hold a blind man’s stick, and if possible, even wear those damned glasses.

 

_“But clearly I couldn’t._

 

“I needed Bacon because no matter how much I have the place memorized, there will always be obstacles in my way that _I will never see_. That no matter how much I have memorized the count of steps, one mistake could lead to many and have me lost. I need those glasses because I know, Baekhyun, _I know_ people stare at my eyes. _People stare at_ _me_. And up until now, deep down, I still can’t accept the fact that I’ve turned blind.” Chanyeol sobbed with a voice that trembled.

 

Seeing the man that he never saw frown, seeing him even more in this weak and vulnerable state that he never imagined, Baekhyun too could not help his own tears from spilling. And as Chanyeol continued to speak, with every word he utters, looking somewhere but nowhere and not even in his direction, Baekhyun felt the pain in his chest multiply tenfold.

 

“Don’t you want to love someone who can see, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol continued, his voice lowering to a shaky cry. “Don’t you want someone who can _watch_ you draw and truly praise your artworks? Someone who can _look_ at the same things you do. Don’t you want someone who can actually _look at you_ and give you a compliment: tell you you’re beautiful, how lovely your smile is, or how pretty your eyes are – because _they know_ , because _they see?_

 

“I will only be a burden to you.

 

“You deserve better. _Not me_ , Baekhyun, not someone _blind_ like _me_.”

 

 

All the pain he had kept inside, Chanyeol has finally said. The heavy weight of the truth that had always burdened him, that tripled more when he fell for the sweet man with a beautiful laugh – Baekhyun now knows. He already expected for the worst – for him to be left abandoned like what had _always_ happened. For the thousandth slap back to reality that no one will ever love a blind person and be willing to go through the burdens of not being able to see. But then he felt warm hands brush away his tears and a voice so soft and gentle it sounded like the wind singing, and Chanyeol could not help but breakdown far more.

 

“How do you live, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun whispered, voice so close to his lips he can feel him breathe. “Tell me again what you told me.”

 

For some reason, like it was but second nature, Chanyeol’s hands automatically land on Baekhyun’s waist, and he sighs when he felt their foreheads rest against each other. Confused, he did as told. And nature must have known his answer, for at the same time he spoke did the winds gentle breeze came in and rustled the trees around them.

 

_“I listen, I breathe, and I feel.”_

 

Chanyeol felt soft lips against his. A long sweet kiss where he did not hesitate to kiss back – pouring out all emotions and longing. And when Baekhyun started to speak again, a reply to all that he had said, Chanyeol felt the heavy weight of pain be replaced by something he never knew he would ever feel be given back.

 

“You were blind when I met you.” Baekhyun said as he pulled away, tracing the shape of Chanyeol’s eyes with the soft pads of his fingertips. “You were blind when we got closer and blind when we became friends. It was your pitch black glasses that brought me to you and Bacon’s caramel colored fur.

 

_“And you were blind when I fell in love, with you._

 

 _“Your blindness never hindered me from loving you, Chanyeol_.”

 

More tears continued to flow down Chanyeol’s eyes as he felt the warmth of Baekhyun’s hands and his voice – from the unmistakable love he can feel and of every word weighed of sincerity. And just like the first time, all shame of the blindness he had cursed for years, dissipates.

Baekhyun pulls him into a tight embrace, and from the moment Chanyeol wrapped his arms around the shorter, pulling him impossibly closer, he knew Baekhyun too had been crying from the tremble of his voice and the body against his.

 

“I was lost before I met you; someone who didn’t know how to _live_ and merely existed. But then _you_ came into my life and you taught me how to – _to listen, to breathe, and to feel_.

 

_“Your blindness taught me all of those and more.”_

 

Pulling away, Baekhyun left a mere inch between their lips. And he finally spoke the words he had _always_ wanted to say.

 

_“I love you, Chanyeol. I love you for everything that you are.”_

 

Chanyeol is the one who seals the kiss.

 

The wind breezes past once more, enveloping them in an invisible blanket of warmth. With it caused the trees and bushes to rustle, the peaceful sounds of the raining leaves and petals, falling on them and swirling around them. Chanyeol breathed in the pleasant, distinctive scent of Baekhyun’s, something he greatly missed in his absence, and he whispers his reply with words he had also _always_ longed to say.

 

_“I love you too, Baekhyun, so much I was afraid.”_

 

When their lips met again, smiles now bloomed amidst drying tears. Their cries were no longer of pain but of happiness. They do not separate for a moment that felt like time had stood still. And it was like this was not just their second kiss, for they shared chaste pecks to fervent lip locking that rocked bodies.

Baekhyun felt that feeling again when they kissed that first time – that kind that was far greater than any word or metaphor could describe – _an unexplainable yet utterly delightful kind of nothing but pure sincere love_. Chanyeol felt it too, far too much he felt it overwhelmingly weigh down his heart. And for once since he lost his eyesight, he forgot he was blind.

 

 _“It’s a beautiful day—”_ Baekhyun whispered, _“—a smile is always better.”_

 

With a smile that grew far radiant, mirroring Baekhyun’s own, Chanyeol laughs at his now _lover’s_ words.

 

 

 

 

♣♣♣

 

 

 

For the rest of the afternoon, when laughter replaced their tears, they spend it at the place now both would like to claim as _theirs_.

 

Baekhyun walks Chanyeol throughout the secret garden; walking through stony paths and flower covered ones. They stop by the edge of the clear blue lake, where Baekhyun describes to him that it reflected all that is around it and the fishes that swam around. He holds Chanyeol’s hand as he pointed to the orange sky that began to welcome the setting sun, to the trees over at the other side and around them that have not stopped showering their falling colors, to another big Oak tree across the bridge with winding branches and stood greatly among the rest. And he places flowers he had picked on Chanyeol’s hand, describing to him its shape and color, always adding the word ‘beautiful’ like the word fits them all perfectly.

 

The entire time, a lovely grin graced Chanyeol’s face as he listened to Baekhyun’s voice, invisibly painting to him the stunning image that had once turned blurry. On the other hand, with eyes full of love and a heart beating the liveliest it had ever been, Baekhyun watches Chanyeol.

 

 

 

Later, when their legs get tired and their feet turn numb, Baekhyun leads them both across the bridge and to the Oak tree. There they sit, with Baekhyun happily leaning his back on Chanyeol’s chest whose arms looped around him for a tight embrace.

 

 _Finally_ — they both thought — _warmth they can now openly share without hesitance_.

 

They watch the sunset, a beautiful glow of gold that faded to a lovely hue of purple; a line of silhouette trees from the forest above the hill that hid the majestic garden.

 

“This is where I saw my last sunset, one of the last beautiful images I saw before I turned blind.” Chanyeol tells him.

 

“It’s really beautiful.” Baekhyun said, interlacing their hands together. “It’s still the same, too.” He added, remembering what Chanyeol told him of the color purple.

 

Chanyeol placed a sweet kiss on Baekhyun’s temple before he rested their heads against each other. “I’m glad,” he says, looking at the direction of the sunset above.

 

Soon, and for a time that lasted until the last glow of gold faded to darkness, they shared a peaceful silence. Baekhyun felt so comfortable that he was slowly turning drowsy. The rollercoaster of emotions he had experienced today, of the heartache and worries of the past weeks, was finally taking a toll on him. His heart was finally appeased, with the warmth of Chanyeol’s presence enveloping him, and to know that finally – _they were together like he had dreamt_.

 

Then Chanyeol began to hum something very familiar, and Baekhyun wakes and pulls away to face him.

 

“You know that tune?” he asked.

 

When Chanyeol answered he looked at Baekhyun so earnest and so direct, like he was no blind man. It skipped Baekhyun’s heart and left him breathless – _always breathless_ – when clouded glazed irises seeming to look at his own.

 

“I _listen_ , remember? It’s your favorite.”

 

With a smile that could replace the sun that has set, Baekhyun gave Chanyeol a kiss that poured out his happy emotions before he leans back down on his chest. And he says a few words that will mark the beginning of Park Chanyeol finally learning to embrace his blindness _wholeheartedly_.

 

_“Thank you, Chanyeol.”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_In both their worlds of suffocating monochrome,_

_they have made each other see the colorful spectrum._

 

 

 

 

 

**END**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

► After so long, I can finally mark this precious story complete ; u ; I hope the ending didn’t seem too rushed or a mess. I lost my grip on this writing for a year and tried my best to get back, to write what was originally supposed to be written while remembering the days I wrote this. That probably sounds strange, lol, but if you follow me, this story, like how I have written my others, holds bits and pieces of personal sentiments of when I was an emotional mess myself who simply existed. So just like my other stories, _A Spectrum in Monochrome_ means lot to me personally. Given that, my gratitude for all the support this fic received is beyond a simple _thank you_.

► I want to thank you again to those who have stayed despite me abandoning this fic for so long, to those who have reread the entire story again after being rewritten. Thank you too for giving this simple story a chance, expressed their love and support that gave me the drive to improve and finally finish this.

► I do hope you all enjoyed ♥

 

 

 

 


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